It is saturday evening. The smell of after rain probed me to flashback. I have been missing him lately. It has been 12 years since he left us. 29 march always ripped my heart apart ... that was the day, the moment he left us. I know its an absurdity of mine... i am always wanting to receive a reply from an email that i sent to him 3 days before his passing. An email that described what had happened to him and a request for him from his only sister (me) to reply the email once he' s back on his feet again.
And... yes i didnt receive any email from him after that....
'Missing someone and not being able to see them is the worst feeling ever' (status update in fb) was actually meant to express how much i missed him... 12 years.. i could only 'see' him in the circles of memories.. but i couldnt touch him.. talk to him... hold his hands..
One of his traces in life that he left for us is his 2 girls... oya n qilla. I have wrote something on oya ... 'life without a father' .. an entry in my blog that i wrote emotionally while weeping and sheding tears. Perhaps being the eye witness on what exactly happened to oya on 29 march was like a plot of a film. It ran thru my eyes and mind clear and fresh!
And its always oya who came into picture when i listened to one of celine dion's number ..'dance with my father'. Its a track of flashing back and rewinding of moments while he was still around with us...a month before he left us for good.
Why oya? She is his daughter who has spent her childhood with us.. she can either be my sister and even my daughter. She is the eldest grand child. Watching her grown up without a father at times touches my sensitivity. I can feel that its tough to have not having a father around. Even now... at my age now i could not imagine to have not having my dad besides us even though i know and keep on reminding myself the day will come... ( and we never know who is first to be "summoned" by HIM).
Well perhaps this (on missing him) is one of the reasons that forced me to be sensitive lately.. react impulsively...
Allah is great. As i always penned down in most of my entries.. HE knows what is the best for each and everyone of us. Everything happened for a reason which we might or cant even think of... and ov coz with blessings in disguise secretly embeded into it until one fine day we realise..and we think that is an epiphany!
To my late brother Azmin, i still miss you and will always love you for the rest of my life.
May you rest peacefully... till we meet again... the day when we will be reunited.
Amin..ya rabbal alamin.
Amin...
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