Sunday, November 8, 2015

YaaSin untuk Emak

Semalam dan arini tak tau brapa kali akubacakan  Yaasin utk mak. Yang aku perasan bila mak tengah resah kesakitan dan bila aku bacakan yaasin mak akan diam dan terus terlelap.

Malam tadi aku tido seblah mak. Mak atas katilnya dan aku tido atas kerusi malas aje. Setiap satu jam mak akan terjaga dan tiap kali terjaga mak akan beristighfar, dan allahuakbar tak pernah lekang dari mulut mak. 

Pagi ni mak masih merintih menahan kesakitan. Aku bersihkan mak lap muka mak. Suapkan susu. Mak dah tak boleh nak sedut. Aku dapat rasakan seluruh anggota badan mak dalam kesakitan. Bibir mak kering sangat. Akusuapkan susu   ..pun amat payah mak nak buka mulut. Hati aku bagai disiat siat. Tapi depan mak aku kena tenang. At least mak boleh jadikan itu sebagai salah satu sumber kekuatan untuknya. Insya allah.

Tengok keadaan mak yang makin kritikal menyebabkan sebak aku mcm tak berpenghujung. Macam esok takde urk aku. Aku rasa hidup tanpa org untuk dipanggil mak dan abah macam tak lengkap. Sejak abah takde aku dapat rasa kepincangan hidup mak. Maybe sebulan dua mak bole tanggung tp bila dah setahun memang meruntun
 jiwa mak.

Tadi sebelum balik aku sempat bisik kat telinga   mak ampun kan dosa ida 
mak. Mak angguk2 kepala. Sblm aku balik mak panggil aku. Dalam bunyi
 suara mak. Aku tanya mak nak akubacakan  yaasin ke? Mak angguk lemah. Setiap kali bacaan aku habis aku doakan agar sakit mak dikurangkan. Bagi lah mak rihat dan tenang di saat saat  akhirnya. Tak tertanggung mata aku tengok keadaan mak.

Ya allah ya tuhanku tiada lain yang kumohob agar Kau berikan ketenangan untuk mak. Ringankan segala tanggungan dan kesakitan yang mak alami. Hilangkanlah rindu mak pada abah. Aku redha dengan sepenuh hati.
Amiinnn. 



Saturday, November 7, 2015

Aku ke BOLa?

.
Kadang2 aku rasa aku seperti bola. Ditendang ke tengah, tepi, dalam, luar...tp jarang sekali 'aku' diGOLKAN'.
Ntah la tak tau pulak kenapa. Aku pun tertunggu2 bila aku akan disepak ke palang gol terus! 

Ada byk sbb aku berasa demikian. Pelbagai! Bermacam2! Aku jarang lawan pengadil di padang... Jauh lg dikenakan penalti! Ada sekali aku dapat kad merah
Tp tk  pulak aku diharamkan dari masuk padang!!

Aku pernah mncipta beberapa hatrick tp aku masih kekal begini. Ada dua kali cubaan dari kelab lain untuk membeli aku tp semua aku tolak sbb aku sayangkan team aku.

Bbrapa bln yang lalu pengurus pasukan bersemuka dengan aku. Dia cuba mencungkil sesuatu dari aku. Hahhahah
Aku ok je. No push factor kataku. Pull factor tak dinafikan memang 
banyak. Dia akur nampaknya. Only time will tell kataku. Am only human and I cannot promise anything.

Well life has to go on. Amidst all the internal and external challenges that i have to face and encounter, all I only want is a peace of mind and that I can give my full commitment to whatever I do be it for myself, my family, my team and the club!

Di sisa kehidupan mu

Pagi ni aku agak lambat pergi umah mak.
Tersasar tidurku. Must be the tiredness that my body have been absorbing. Amir yang planned nak ke walkathon sekolah pun tak jadi pergi.

Sampai umah mak, dia masih tidur. Aku tatap wajah mak puas2. Aku usap pipi cengkung dia. Aku pegang tangan dia yang penuh dgn urat yang kian menimbul terasa sejuk. 

Aku bg salam kat telinga mak. Dia bukak mata dan jawab salam aku. Setiap kali bersihkan mak aku rasa amat bersalah sbb mak akan menahan kesakitan dan saat saat tu la allahuakbar akan sentiasa meniti di bibir mak. Ada kalanya perlahan adakalanya kuat. Harini rintihan mak menusuk betul. 

Lps bersihkan mak aku ambil wudhu terus bacakan yaasin utk mak. Sama kuatnya bacaan aku dgn rintihan allahuakbar mak. Mula2 aku rasa suara aku bergetar menahan sebak sampai nak keluar air mata ....Lama kelamaan suara mak makin perlahan. Saat aku habis bacaan yaasin mak dah terlelap.  

Habis aje baca yaasin, Amir ketuk pintu bilik ada orang dtg katanya. Sedara mara yang tahu keadaan mak akan datang ziarah setiap hujung minggu.

Tadi aku teringin sangat nak mak panggil nama aku. Aku bisik kat telinga mak. Mak kenal ke siapa ni? Mak pandang aku lamaaa. Pastu aku dengar mak sebut nama aku .. Ida.. Ida .. Dalam suara mak bila sebut nama aku.... sedalam kasih aku pada mak yang takde galang gantinya...

Doaku agar diringankan kesakitan mak.
Berilah dia kekuatan utk menghabiskan sisa sisa hidup dengan tenang dan aman.

Amiinnn.





Friday, November 6, 2015

From KK with love

Just got back from KK.
Sepanjang di KK each second passed by sungguh meresahkan dan mendebarkan.
Bila malam lagi aku keresahan.

Its all about you.
Dalam hati pleaasee dont leave me now...
I need to be by your side
I want to be by your side when u open your eyes
I still want to touch your skin, your face, your hair, your eyes...

And now m here beside u.
Seeing u like this breaks my heart
Listening to your moaning of continuous pain kills me ...

Tidur la mak
Ya allah ya tuhanku
Berilah ketenangan untuk dia
Hilangkan kesakitan yang ditanggungnya

Cukup lah cubaan dan ujian mu ke atasnya.

Allahuakbar. 

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Haze in Me

I know mak has been asking about me from our helper Tinah. It has been twice. Last week when I was on leave and took care of her, she asked Tinah was I on leave? Didn't I have work at the office? ...
Yesterday when I cleaned her she didn't say anything except looking at me. At the kitchen, Tinah told me mak was asking about me yesterday ...

I took the lazy chair inside her room and sit beside her. She was fast asleep. I could see that the sore that she had on some parts of her legs are getting better. Thanks to my SILs Ros and  Ju who have also been taking care of her. Tried to read some books but perhaps the tiredness inside me put me to sleep as well. I dreamt of mak actually. She could get up and talked to me. It was something that we really hoped for.

But I knew it was merely a dream when I was woke up by Azam. For lunch, I fed mak porridge. She ate... Ed said she has not been eating for a while. Kalau makan pun sesuap dua. Looked she was enjoying her food. Perhaps she wanted me, her only daughter to feed her. Yeah maybe.... After eating I checked her condition. Hold her hands...

After a while she looked restless. Asked her why. She didn't reply except looking at me with tears at the edge of her eyes. She started reciting surah...that indicated she was in pain. I hold her hands again. Stroked her hair hoping that would calmed her down. She kept on reciting...sometimes louder sometimes deep in between her voice. I hold her in my arms while she looked straight and sometimes closed her eyes. I couldn't look at her eyes. I looked down crying with tears falling to the floor. I was sobbing hard while she kept on reciting and reciting and reciting. When she stopped I took her instant pain reliever. It was not that easy nowadays to get her to take her meds. After dealing with some persuasion she did swallow the capsule. It was about 20 mins later she went asleep.

At 230 Ed changed her patch meds. She then was asleep until I left for home.
Feel like zombified. I googled a lot after that though I used to do that before checking and matching her conditions with the info that I gathered on the net. The symptoms are here and there. Mak is fighting inside I guess. At times she surrendered at times she won. The big C continues attacking. She knew that long time ago.

I think my siblings and I are quite ready for the day to come. But I bet none of us are ever ready to lose her for good.

We just hope ...God please ease her pain. That's all that we ever wanted. Let her go in peace and pain free.

Looks like the haze is finally gone but the haze inside me still lingers...

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Be a Fighter

 
 
This is for Mak!
I love U till the last drop of my blood.

I know u hv bn fighting
I understand well that at times u just wanna give up..

I saw u fought well and brave
I saw your swift but satisfying happines
I saw u bereaved
I saw you crying...
I saw you in pain.. Physically and emotionally..

I know i could not turn back the 
clock...
And all i have to do is to keep on praying
that it will be easy for you.

Allahu Akbar!

No more appointment for her


While occupying myself with things to be settled this morning at the office, i received a WA msg stating tht 'no more appointment for mak'.



I was trembling when i read tht msg. All of a sudden i see mak infront of my eyes lying there hopelessly in pain while she keeps on reciting a few surah that she memorized. 

I was then distracted with office stuff and tht has diverted my mind far away ..but only for a short span of time.

When i drove back home my mind zoomed to the msg again ... Mo more appointment for mak. Its like a life sentence for me n my siblings. I broke down and cried all the way back home.
That msg clearly means (scientifically) that her 'time' is getting closer and nearer. 

Her condition worsen each day. Today as reported by Ros ...the symptoms ..the unstable condition of hers ...signify 'the time'.

A few moments tht i managed to snap 2 months ago n current.


More photos of her... Masa ni masih okayy


This was the last moment i saw her holding a book....



More of her


Will miss all and every bits of u mak!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Nursing MaK

Sharon the nurse from Hospis visited mak yesterday. It was my first eye to eye session with sharon. A nice lady though who understands the predicament and at the same time instill the need to be patience, strong and leave it to God.

I applied 3 days leave. Just to be with her. Nursing her. I dont even know when can I do tht if I dont take the chance now. Time is running fast. The only days that i can be with her are merely on weekends. And that depends too. So here I am. Trying my best to be at her side.


Mak was fast asleep when she came.

Sharon : pn hamidah, its me sharon. Open your eyes. How are u today?

Mak : fine.

Sharon : open your eyes puan... Your children are worried about your condition. Why are you not eating?

Mak : no response

Sharon : look here.. Who is here with u today? You recognize her?

Mak : my daughter ( can sense the tiresome and feeling weak in her voice).

I dont quite know the reason why mak and arwah abah kalau jumpa doc mesti nak converse in English :).


Sharon now has changed the meds from consume to merely patch. She taught us how to stick the patch on mak's body. The meds in morphine format will run via the blood vessel. One patch lasts for 3 days. In between mak can still take oxynorm an immediate pain reliever.


After checking on mak, we talked in the presence of Ed. I didnt know why must i cried infront of sharon. She calmed me down.

Sharon said cancer can be a silent killer. At times there are no signs at all ie sudden death.

She advised us on symptoms of within an hour; a drastic deterioration tht can cause death. Acc to her mak is deteriorating weekly n tht means she has more or less a month.


This morning i could see her response on what ever i communicated to her. She is in the state of confusion.

But to my surprise she talked to me. A simple one or two sentences saying that she is in pain...deep pain. All i could do is to hug her tight, kissed her forehead, held her hands and all the thunderstorm crashed inside me.