Here again....

Have been wanting to write. The urge is there but the moments have been so melancholic.

The tears would be running rather than words. 

Mak has been admitted again. This time round it is bad. I could say that it's a matter of bertahan.

I have to say that I was bold when it came to asking questions to the doc about her condition. Hers is stage 4. " the tumor is rapidly growing. It has affected her lymph nodes from the waist below. On top of that her nerves problem is also a major contributing factor." The last sentence from the doc after being so called interrogated by myself was " she has more or less 3 months. I am sorry".

Phew....i felt so numb. Feel like flying high aimlessly.

When I got to her bed she asked what was wrong with her condition. Told her its her nerves. And that RT will not be done as this would worsen her condition. That's it. Not to further complicate her condition the docs are keen to increase the dosage of the painkiller rather than strolling her for radiography. 

Was with her since yesterday. Observed her all the time. Her breathing, her face, her chest, her body...all of her. Sometimes I hold her hands tight. Indicating I won't in fact I don't wanna let you go. I know I'm gonna lose her soon. Scientifically, yes. 

Arghhhh I hate this feeling. 

I don't know what to expect

I don't know what to do

I don't know how to react in front of her....

She has been tested a lot and enuf said this is the max and the peak!