Hijrah yang abadi

There are so many reasons why i wanted 15 oct to end fast. But nothing beats the reason tht i want to be beside mak.

Told bos i need to take leave immediately after 15 oct. i need to be with her.

Today  i sat beside her. Nowadays she talked less.. bedridden.... Pegang tangan dia.. Usap rambut dia. Suapkan makan untuk dia. Tak tau esok esok masih sempat tak aku buat tu semua utk mak.

Harini memang tersentuh aku tgk mak.

Apa lagi bila Ed cakap at one stage dulu setiap hari mak selalu tanya aku. Rasa satu beban duduk kat bahu aku bila dengar Ed cakap macam tu.

Kadang2 tanggungjawab yg pelbagai buat aku selalu have mixed feelings...

At one side nak take care of mak. Orang kata mak boleh jaga 10 orang anak tapi seorang anak belum tentu dapat jaga mak sorang. At the other hand nak keep up to the expectation at work..and at the same time perform my duties as a mother and a wife. Juggling all these at one time made me insane at times. Insane as i couldnt give my best to all 3 at one go!

Skang ni mak dah memang kurang respon kat semua orang. Tgk cara dia tido dgn tgn tertib  dah tunjukkan yang mak dan ready.

Sharon from Hospis dah start visitation every week. That shows mak's condition.

Acc to her mak's condition is deteriorating. Her "time" is getting near.

Apa apa pun semuanya di tangan Allah. Takde apa yang lebih baik utk mak selain dari dikurangkan kesakitannya dan semoga dia pergi dengan tenang. Hijrah yang abadi dan kekal utk mak.

Allahuakbar.

What to expect?

I am not sure as to whether she knows her condition well. Frankly i am scared

I am hopeless... I dont know what to feel. What to expect.

Every now and then i broke down while driving alone to the office...fr office back home.

Her unstable condition is an emotional roller coster to me. 

I know each day its not getting better. In fact she is getting weaker, less talk, emotionless ... Or perhaps she is counting days herself. 

I missed that smile..that shiny eyes..that unexpected jokes cracking from her..

How could i live without u?

Hukm 4 sept 2015

 Dia tak tido semalaman. Atas sebab tu aku pun tak bole nk melelapkan mata. Perasaan aku bercampur baur. Sedih ada ..nak meraung pun ada... Rimas pun ada.

And that all contributed to the wide eyes. Mak kata abah datang tidur seblah dia. Mak nampak abah selimutkan dia sambil abah cakap 'sejuk kat sini...pakai ni'..

Tak tau sebab apa..mak tetiba macam tak sedar dengan keadaan sekeliling dia. Dia tanya ' kat mana mak ni?'

Mula2 dia pandang aku dengan pandangan yg pelik. Mcm tak kenal anak sendiri. Aku usap kepala dia sambil beristighfar dan bca fatihah. 

Stengah jam lps tu aky dengar mak panggil abah berulang kali. Aku cakap lagi mak abah dah takde. ' tp abah dtg tadi'

Mak terlalu rindukan abah. Mak nangis teresak esak sambil cakap dia memang rindukan abah. Dah  dekat setahun ....

Aku ambik tasbih bagi kat mak sambil buka mp3 al quran. Baru nmpak dia tenang sikit. 

It was 5 am baru aku dpt llpkan mata. Disbbkan tk bole sembahyang aku tertido sampai kul 7,30 pgi.

Aku sedar bila aku rasa ada org usap ubn ubun dan rambut aku,

Aku tak sedar air mata laju je turun sbb tangan mak yg belai rambut aku ..

More TiMe with Her

I promised myself to spend more time with her. Trying my best. Spent a night with her. Tho oya was around i just wanna make sure that i hold her,  soaped her, stroked her and hold her hands.

I wept everytime she closed her eyes. Just to make sure that she didnt notice these tears. Just wanna make sure that  i look okay and strong even tho my emotion is shattering.

Some relatives who knew abt her condition started to visit. She looked tired but still tried to hide her emotions. Her eyes watered once when she spoke on abah. I looked away..didnt sure as to whether i shd look to her eyes.

This morning after cleaning her up with oya..we talked. Just want to have as many as mum n daughter talks before the time comes to an end. We laughed. I held her hands.

She had a request actually. Wanted to see her sisters. She had tiny tears at the edge of both eyes.
Ok i will. Told her that. Guarantee her that i will get my aunties; her sisters come and visit soon.

Spoke to achik. Hearing her voice i couldnt control my tears. It was a few second pause..and perhaps wht achik heard was my sobbing.

This is sad.
I still dont know what to expect.

But m becoming to redha...

DreaM

Have been having sleepless nights lately. After almost a year i thot indreamt of abah and  azmin both together last week.

Went to see mak dis morning. Semlm mak balik tapi tak sempat nak jenguk sbb sampai umah pun dah nak kul 11 malam.

Occupying myself with office works has always been an excuse to divert my thinking to stray from mak' s condition. Its not a sin... but its a matter of  being positive and on top of situation.

Dont know what to expect!
I am just feeling lost.

Here again....

Have been wanting to write. The urge is there but the moments have been so melancholic.

The tears would be running rather than words. 

Mak has been admitted again. This time round it is bad. I could say that it's a matter of bertahan.

I have to say that I was bold when it came to asking questions to the doc about her condition. Hers is stage 4. " the tumor is rapidly growing. It has affected her lymph nodes from the waist below. On top of that her nerves problem is also a major contributing factor." The last sentence from the doc after being so called interrogated by myself was " she has more or less 3 months. I am sorry".

Phew....i felt so numb. Feel like flying high aimlessly.

When I got to her bed she asked what was wrong with her condition. Told her its her nerves. And that RT will not be done as this would worsen her condition. That's it. Not to further complicate her condition the docs are keen to increase the dosage of the painkiller rather than strolling her for radiography. 

Was with her since yesterday. Observed her all the time. Her breathing, her face, her chest, her body...all of her. Sometimes I hold her hands tight. Indicating I won't in fact I don't wanna let you go. I know I'm gonna lose her soon. Scientifically, yes. 

Arghhhh I hate this feeling. 

I don't know what to expect

I don't know what to do

I don't know how to react in front of her....

She has been tested a lot and enuf said this is the max and the peak!

The clock is ticking!

Dah lama betul tak update blog ni.

Masa mencemburui aku hahahahha puiiiii!!!!

Nnti ada plak yang cakap fb bole pulak update... Kan? Kan?

Ntah la rasanya aku akan ke sini bila aku rindu...

Rindu baca entri entri aku yang lepas..

Rindu kat arwah abah

Rindu kat arwah azmin..

But seriously speaking that is the fact.

I hv not been writing here for quite some time dah.... most of the entries were on what have been happening to me n my family,  losing someone close to my heart .... 

something sad something nostalgic

a place where i would go to fill the emptiness when missing the good old times ..

well perfectly something that i am able to read... one fine day as a pinch of my own definition of down memory lane.

At times reality is killing me inside...

Mak has not been well since for the past 2 months. It is all of a sudden. We were at joy and happiness when mak looked so cheerful. Took her for trips. The last trip that she had was when i sent oya to uitm Bertam. She was looking good and the trip was on da house! This was the best part....She paid for everything. 

She ate, she laughed, we took pictures, watched the sea waves hmmm tak tau la ombak ke apa kan?? Kat feringhi. She wanted to see all the kpg along the way at teluk bahang.  Rafiq aka saudagat unta took the other way to reach feringhi and yup she enjoyed it. While amir with his polaroid camera took pics of hers with oya. She complained that she looked charby when amir showed her the photos. She pleaded from amir to have at least one of the photos taken. But that kiddo being a lil' kiddo .. he declined her wish!

Well that was her last 2 months. All of a sudden she complained of an unbearable back pain. Cut it short, she was admitted to hukm. The doc said  sthg wrong with her spine due to aging and that she needed to undergo an operation asap just to ensure her nerves are not further injured. The day that she was supposed to be strolled to the OT, she was said to had cardiac arrest in silent. Thereafer it was a long medical procedures that she faced everyday.

She was released home without having the ops done. Her unstable conditions worry us a lot. There goes our days till now. I am panic whenever i received calls from Ed no matter day or night. Its always mak that occupies my mind.

Nowadays weekends are always about spending time with her. My routine would be assisting her to bath. She still want to do on her own. Shower her is a must thing to do. Powdered her..combing her hair. 

Deep in my heart i dont want to miss this opportunity. I dont want to let these times went off just like that. I dont want to envelope myself in regret if something happen. It can be any time. It can be mak... it can be me!

But being a human with all sorts of hats to be worn.. an employee,  a supervisor,  a wife, a mum, a friend and a lover i have my own issues..my ups and downs...

sometimes i have to  prioritize and at times the priority that i chose hurt me in side... a lot. At one side i want to appear cool. At the other side i am struggling..gasping for space to breathe. What ever it is balancing life and work nowadays is not an easy task. No joke!

I can say tht there will not be an equality i.e balance. Its either someone will be deprived today but will get back their rights no matter how anytime maybe tomorrow..maybe next week...or any time. In this scenario...the ones that have been deprived alot would be my baby lil kiddo amir and my beloved other half saudagar unta. All that i know that their love for me will never ever fade. I love them with all my heart..something that cannot be described and defined literally.

Amidst all these..i want to stay positive..always look at the brighter side..

Nurture the love between my siblings ...dah tinggal 3 org je pun incl me. Cant imagine life without any of them..without mak..nightmare mannn..

i just hope that...and hope and hope at times like this, i am able to think rationally and positively. 

Tired? Dont mention it. It determines your inner strength. The clock is tickin' ...anything can happen. All we have to do is to follow the flow..sabarrr..be positive..inculcate positives vibes and apa saja yang berlaku ada hikmahnya.

Kita hanya merancang tapi Allah yang tentukan!

A note to myself!!!

And It CoNtINuES !

Life has been so hectic nowadays... till at times i didnt notice that i didnt miss him a lot! Is that a sin or what?

But when it hits me... it can hit me anytime. I can just cry and the tears will continue dropping ... and it can be anytime... while watching tv, while in the midst of meeting... the fact is i miss him like more than crazy can describe..

Went to visit mum yesterday. She is looking good n great. I hope its not a false misrepresentation of hers. Talked to her... kissed her...gave her hugs that i seldom did before.... yup i guess she is a woman of steel heart. Ed my brother has moved in to stay together with mum. No words can describe how i feel towards Ed' s sacrifice.

I miss u ... i went to your room again yesterday. Open your closet and breathed... u r there... your smell ...i touched your shirts.. your robes especially... the your smell is still freshhhh.

Mum gave me your sarong and robe yesterday. I hug that sarong last nite as if praying that God will permit me dreaming of u. But it didnt come true...i wonder why... i wonder when....

And that missing u continues to be part of my daily routine.. as long as i live...