Be a Fighter

 

 

This is for Mak!

I love U till the last drop of my blood.

I know u hv bn fighting

I understand well that at times u just wanna give up..

I saw u fought well and brave

I saw your swift but satisfying happines

I saw u bereaved

I saw you crying...

I saw you in pain.. Physically and emotionally..

I know i could not turn back the 

clock...

And all i have to do is to keep on praying

that it will be easy for you.

Allahu Akbar!

No more appointment for her

While occupying myself with things to be settled this morning at the office, i received a WA msg stating tht 'no more appointment for mak'.

I was trembling when i read tht msg. All of a sudden i see mak infront of my eyes lying there hopelessly in pain while she keeps on reciting a few surah that she memorized. 

I was then distracted with office stuff and tht has diverted my mind far away ..but only for a short span of time.

When i drove back home my mind zoomed to the msg again ... Mo more appointment for mak. Its like a life sentence for me n my siblings. I broke down and cried all the way back home.

That msg clearly means (scientifically) that her 'time' is getting closer and nearer. 

Her condition worsen each day. Today as reported by Ros ...the symptoms ..the unstable condition of hers ...signify 'the time'.

A few moments tht i managed to snap 2 months ago n current.

More photos of her... Masa ni masih okayy

This was the last moment i saw her holding a book....

More of her

Will miss all and every bits of u mak!

Nursing MaK

Sharon the nurse from Hospis visited mak yesterday. It was my first eye to eye session with sharon. A nice lady though who understands the predicament and at the same time instill the need to be patience, strong and leave it to God.

I applied 3 days leave. Just to be with her. Nursing her. I dont even know when can I do tht if I dont take the chance now. Time is running fast. The only days that i can be with her are merely on weekends. And that depends too. So here I am. Trying my best to be at her side.

Mak was fast asleep when she came.

Sharon : pn hamidah, its me sharon. Open your eyes. How are u today?

Mak : fine.

Sharon : open your eyes puan... Your children are worried about your condition. Why are you not eating?

Mak : no response

Sharon : look here.. Who is here with u today? You recognize her?

Mak : my daughter ( can sense the tiresome and feeling weak in her voice).

I dont quite know the reason why mak and arwah abah kalau jumpa doc mesti nak converse in English :).

Sharon now has changed the meds from consume to merely patch. She taught us how to stick the patch on mak's body. The meds in morphine format will run via the blood vessel. One patch lasts for 3 days. In between mak can still take oxynorm an immediate pain reliever.

After checking on mak, we talked in the presence of Ed. I didnt know why must i cried infront of sharon. She calmed me down.

Sharon said cancer can be a silent killer. At times there are no signs at all ie sudden death.

She advised us on symptoms of within an hour; a drastic deterioration tht can cause death. Acc to her mak is deteriorating weekly n tht means she has more or less a month.

This morning i could see her response on what ever i communicated to her. She is in the state of confusion.

But to my surprise she talked to me. A simple one or two sentences saying that she is in pain...deep pain. All i could do is to hug her tight, kissed her forehead, held her hands and all the thunderstorm crashed inside me.

New look does matter

The rebrand was a success. A timely step i guess. Well it was not an easy peasy one. It took me a whole lot of courage and patience. Its easier said than done. Be there, you will know what did it take to reach the first station. Why i said it is a first station? Its the beginning of a lot of things.... Sacrifice, sweat and of coz determination!  But it challenged you to the last piece of your mind, body..and everything of u. 

I even came to the point of having my own mantra... 'please god gimme the strength' and at the same time contemplating to let things go.

Alhamdulillah...despite the age, not in depth knowledge but with guidance (of coz the hard way) coupled with good team work and awesome team spirit, we managed to pull thru...

It is an amazing journey!

Yes we did it ...

But the journey has just started.. Still a long way to go peeps!

Hijrah yang abadi

There are so many reasons why i wanted 15 oct to end fast. But nothing beats the reason tht i want to be beside mak.

Told bos i need to take leave immediately after 15 oct. i need to be with her.

Today  i sat beside her. Nowadays she talked less.. bedridden.... Pegang tangan dia.. Usap rambut dia. Suapkan makan untuk dia. Tak tau esok esok masih sempat tak aku buat tu semua utk mak.

Harini memang tersentuh aku tgk mak.

Apa lagi bila Ed cakap at one stage dulu setiap hari mak selalu tanya aku. Rasa satu beban duduk kat bahu aku bila dengar Ed cakap macam tu.

Kadang2 tanggungjawab yg pelbagai buat aku selalu have mixed feelings...

At one side nak take care of mak. Orang kata mak boleh jaga 10 orang anak tapi seorang anak belum tentu dapat jaga mak sorang. At the other hand nak keep up to the expectation at work..and at the same time perform my duties as a mother and a wife. Juggling all these at one time made me insane at times. Insane as i couldnt give my best to all 3 at one go!

Skang ni mak dah memang kurang respon kat semua orang. Tgk cara dia tido dgn tgn tertib  dah tunjukkan yang mak dan ready.

Sharon from Hospis dah start visitation every week. That shows mak's condition.

Acc to her mak's condition is deteriorating. Her "time" is getting near.

Apa apa pun semuanya di tangan Allah. Takde apa yang lebih baik utk mak selain dari dikurangkan kesakitannya dan semoga dia pergi dengan tenang. Hijrah yang abadi dan kekal utk mak.

Allahuakbar.

What to expect?

I am not sure as to whether she knows her condition well. Frankly i am scared

I am hopeless... I dont know what to feel. What to expect.

Every now and then i broke down while driving alone to the office...fr office back home.

Her unstable condition is an emotional roller coster to me. 

I know each day its not getting better. In fact she is getting weaker, less talk, emotionless ... Or perhaps she is counting days herself. 

I missed that smile..that shiny eyes..that unexpected jokes cracking from her..

How could i live without u?