Weak i am.

Dunno what happened to me today.  All day long i feel so weak and tired. After breakfast put my head on the sofa and sedar sedar dah pukul 3 pm.

Maybe the migraine..

Macam hsap ganja je.. Mata kuyu.

Hubby didnt wake me at all. He said i looned so damn tired. Well i thot it was the combination of mind, body and soul.

Redha?

A few ppl did ask how am i doing?

Well i am just doin' fine.

If u ask me do i still have those sad, sorrow and down feelings, my answer would exactly be Yes of coz. 

I am no robot... I am human. I hv feelings.

Someone made a statement i should have let it go or redha...

Who am i to question Allah's decision?

Redha I am. But losing a mother... A mother who raised u, sacrificed for u, put your needs first instead of hers for more than 40 years, dont I have the right to be sad...

Watching her ups and downs, her sufferings and her painful moments was something that i would keep close to my heart.

I treasure my mother's love.. Which i hv been deprived off since her passing.

Its my right anyway.

To those who dont understand, you should see things in a different way.

Life is like a box of chocolate...

We dont know what will happen to us next.

So live life to the fullest. If u miss someone just say it out.

I miss mak... 

I have let u go

But i will still cherish all those moments spent with you till the end of my life!

Pagi JUmAaT

Kalau dulu bila mak masih ada, bila teringat kat mak tak kira la kat ofc ke kat umah ke senang aje. Pegi je umah mak or paling tidak call aje mak.

Sejak mak sakit, phone pun mak tak larat nak jawab. 

Sekarang nak hadap muka mak pun takde. Yang tinggal cuma bilik mak ...

Kosong... Sepi.

Pagi tadi sempat ziarah mak.

Pegi ngn Ros.

Macam satu kelegaan bila dah ziarah mak.

Sedekah yaasin dah fatihah utk mak ngan abah.

Terasa sangat mak takde. 

Lebih 40 tahun hidup ngn mak.

Kalau Tuhan bagi pilihan mau aje aku ikut  mak.

That FINAL GoodBYe

I don't know where to begin actually. Too many things in my mind. Too many flashbacks ...

But one thing for sure I miss you Mak. Though orang kata yang patah, tumbuh, yang hilang berganti... But not for you MAK.

I am writing this as this would be the best down memory lane that Jo, Ed and myself had with you.
Seeing a person with cancer live and end her life is something that cant be described in words. A reminder to myself as well. 

Tiga tahun lepas, masa mula2 mak di diagnosed ada cervical cancer, it was a shock to everyone esp arwah abah. But at that time Mak was very strong. She went thru all those painful stages. I saw her went thru all the emotional roller coaster ... when she was in pain, when she was emotionally down, when she cried, when she was in the state of confusion, when she missed abah. All that made her a stronger person inside and outside.

I 'saw' her back on her feet again after the chemo and RT.  Well, it was not easy for a woman at her age. But the big C to certain extend has 'crippled' her life ... her movement was a bit limited and she was not as energized as before. But this did not affect her duties as a loyal wife, a caring mak and a good granny.
But abah's passing a year ago dented her life emotionally. She looked strong outside but I knew that she cried deep inside her. She was at her best and good health only for perhaps 5 months when she started complained of her unbearable nerves pain.

Then it all started again. After 3 years, the Big C attacked her for the second time and this time it was not good.. Not good at all. Mak keluar masuk hospital since July. As usual, me and my bold actions at times... Aku beranikan diri tanya Doc what was wrong with mak when she was finally strolled to Oncology ward. As expected (but I was in denial for quite some time)... mak dah stage 4. Tumor dah spread to spine. Doc cakap mak hanya ada 3 bulan je. 3 bulan!!

And then it all began.
Keadaan mak sepanjang bulan Ogos hingga November memang meruntun jiwa.
The first one and half month, mak masih boleh ketawa, joke around, makan and minum. Cuma pergerakan agak terbatas. Mak dah permanently on wheel chair again. I could see that at times she fought. But this time round she slowly surrendered.
Sejak abah takde, Ed la yang duduk umah mak and jaga mak. Aku ngn Jo dtg masa weekend and cuti.
HUKM Doc pun dah arranged nurse dari HOSPIS datang untuk check keadaan mak.  Banyak tips dan nasihat diberi macamana nak monitor keadaan mak.

As expected, at her stage,  mak makin sakit... zero improvement. Kalau mak nak makan pun dah cukup bahagia aku adik beradik.  'That shows the cancer is spreading very fast" kata Sharon, the Filipino nurse yang datang from HOSPIS. Dosage morfin mak di increased kan. Aku adik bradik pun dah hafal apa jenis morfin yang mak ambik.. ada oxynorm ada oxycontine....Ada yang kena consumed by hourly and ada yang kena consumed bila rasa sakit.  Masuk bulan kedua sakit mak makin memuncak. Dosage dinaikkan lagi sampai mak pun dah tak lalu nak telan ubat. We knew that sometimes she didn't swallow the capsule at all. Kadang2 terjumpa kat tepi katil ke.. celah bantal ke. Nampak sangat masa tu Mak macam dah lost hope.

Kalau dulu bila sakit mak akan cakap dia sakit. Tapi masa tu mak tak larat dah kot. Mak dah mula kurang cakap. Kurang makan... tp masih lagi minum susu. Sharon pun dah kerap datang. That indicated how serious mak's condition was.

Bila mak dah tak larat nak telan ubat, Sharon bagi morfin thru patch kat badan mak je. The morfin ran thru her blood vessel. Patch morfin will be replaced once in 3 days. On patch morfin, sekejap je mak ok. Pastu mak sakit balik. Kali ni every time sakit mak akan mengaji, ucapan allahuakbar , astaghfirullahal azim sentiasa di bibir mak. Then patch morfin di increased kan jugak dan ditambah dengan morfin thru injection.

Paling menyedihkan bagi aku bila bab nak bersihkan mak setiap pagi. Ros akan datang tiap pagi untuk bersihkan mak. Kalau aku cuti dan during weekend aku take over. Masa tu la mak akan menahan kesakitan kadang2 sampai keluar air mata dia. Kalau ikutkan perasaan memang aku pun tak tertanggung dengar rintihan mak. At this point semua nerves mak sakit. Tak boleh tersentuh dia akan mengerang kesakitan.

Alhamdulillah aku dapat cuti di minggu terakhir mak. Aku pun masa tu dapat rasakan sesuatu yang tak kena.
Lepas cuti Deepavali aku cuti lagi. Kali ni mak dah terlampau kurang cakap. Respons yang amat kurang. Cuma angguk atau geleng aje. Suara mak pun antara dengar dan tak aje. Bila tidur ngan mak malam2 , mak akan terjaga  setiap satu jam. Dengan suara yang lemah mak akan menyebut Alahuakbar dan Astaghfirulahalazim tak henti2. Bila saat mak sakit camni aku bacakan yaasin utk mak..most of the time aku yang banyak broke down dan ambik masa nak habiskan yaasin sebab tak sanggup tgk keadaan mak.

Dua hari tido ngan mak, aku banyak bercakap ngn mak walaupun mak tak bercakap ngn aku. Aku bisik kat telinga mak, mak kenal ke sape ni? Mak angguk perlahan sambil sebut nama aku ...
Masa ni dah ramai kaum famili yang datang tengok mak. Mana yg kenal rapat ngn mak mesti menahan sebak dan kluar dari bilik mak dengan mata merah.

Masa aku jaga mak, satu pagi (Khamis) mak panggil aku...mak sebut nama aku .... haus katanya. Aku bagi mak minum. That was the last time aku bagi mak minum. Sebab hari Jumaat malam mak dah semi unconscious. Sabtu dan Ahad mak macam tu gak. Mak dah tak bersuara. Bila pegang badan pun, mak dah tak bagi respon yang dia sakit.

Hari Isnin, masa aku datang pagi tu.. macam biasa Ros ada untuk tolong bersihkan mak. We changed everything. Kali ni agak senang sbb maybe mak dah tak berapa sedar. Lps bersihkan mak aku sedekahkan yaasin.

Ada sedara yag datang melawat semua nasihat jangan tinggalkan mak sesorang. Memang aku ada je kat seblah mak. Tghari tu aku sempat suh Amir cium mak sbb nak pegi skolah. Lps hntr Amir terus balik.
Dalam kul 3 ptg Sharon datang. Seeing mak, she said mak was not in good condition. Ada rattling sound on her breathing. She said that was nothing actually. She gave meds so that mak tak produce saliva. She couldn't find mak's pulse. BP dua kali baru dapat reading. Sharon looked at me and told me "if like this, only a few hours left". I dismissed Sharon's prediction. by 330 pm Sharon left.

Masuk Asar aku sembahyang and sedekah yaasin sekali lg untuk mak. Then I had my 'last' conversation with mak. 'Mak kitorang redha mak. Semua orang dah maafkan mak. Mak jangan risau. Ida, Jo Ed semua menantu dan cucu cucu mak semua akan OK. Tak sanggup tengok mak sakit camni". Finally mak bukak mata. Tp her pupils were not moving. Cuma blinking sesekali. Mak macam nak cakap something tapi riak muka mak macam menahan sedih dan menangis. Aku menangis teresak2 kat sisi mak sambil pegang tangan mak. Tinah keluar tinggalkan aku ngn mak masa tu.
Aku cium tangan mak. Dah berkali2 aku mintak maaf ngan mak. Kali ni aku mintak maaf lagi ngan mak...


Finally, at 550pm on Monday Mak menghembuskan nafas akhirnya. semua terjadi depan mata aku. Sempat aku, Ed, Ros dan Ju bisik kat telinga mak dua kalimah shahadah. Masya allah. Ketika itu jugak aku pegang tangan mak. cium dahi mak..peluk mak...
Jo and Oya sempat tatap mak sampai denyut nadi mak yang terakhir dan hilang dengan perlahan2.
Aku jadi kaku ... lost... tak tau nak buat apa...seketika. Rasa macam jiwa aku melayang skejap. Ros usap belakang aku comforting me.

Mak sah meninggal kan aku Jo dan Ed tepat jam 550 ptg. AllahuaKbarrrrr.....
Innalillahiwaiinailaihi rojiunnn.


Mak selamat disemadikan di Tanah Perkuburan Sg Kantan - 17 Nov. As the only daughter, i took the opportunity to mandikan mak dan pakaikan pakaian akhir mak sebelum disemadikan. Masya Allah, mak disemadikan bersebelahan dengan arwah abah. Alhamdulilahh... Semuanya selesai dalam pukul 10.00 am.
 
Tiap kali masuk bilik mak, mesti nak pandang katil mak. Tp kosong. Yg tinggal cuma bantal mak.

Esok tu, aku kemas almari mak. Susun semua pampers dalam almari. Ed kata nak sedekahkan aje kat Sharon biar dia bagi kat mana-mana patient lain. Ubat2 morfin mak masih banyak pun nak pulangkan Sharon balik.  Masa lipat baju dan kain mak. setiap kain dan baju tu aku cium dan tarik nafas sedalam-dalamnya. Rasa macam taknk hilang bau mak...

Jo dan Ed bukak reclining katil mak and terus simpan dalam stor. Bilik mak dah tersusun macam sebelum ni... macam mak ngan abah masih ada. Mungkin Ed dan Ju paling terasa sebab setahun jugak ddk dan jaga mak permanently. Dan Ros yang tiap pagi akan datang bersihkan Mak.
Apa lagi aku adik beradik yang dilahirkan oleh Mak... yang dibesarkan oleh Mak..

Takde apa yang nak diungkapkan saat macam ni.
Cuma aku berterima kasih pada suami, adik beradik dan ipar2 yang memahami keadaan mak.
Tak lupa juga Bos no 1 dan Queen yang memahami.
Team aku yang banyak beri moral support kat aku.
dan Sharon and Intan from HOSPIS yang tak jemu-jemu bagi tips, advice dan nasihat.

Sesungguhnya aku adik beradik dah cuba bagi yang trbaik utk mak.
Semoga mak aman di sana.
The most painful day in my life...selepas abah pergi 1 Oct 2014.
If were given choice, I would follow you Mak..Abah...

10 nov 2015

Here again. In front of mak. Muka mak nampak bersih. 

Mak bukak mata bila aku bagi salam dan sahut salam aku.

Ku usap pipi mak. Terasa sejuk. Mak cuba bukak mata bila aku sentuh pipi mak. Aku usap ubun2 mak. Aku cium dahi mak, pipi mak. 

Tak tertanggung mata aku tgk macam ni.

 

Tika air mata aku tak henti2 keluar, Tinah biarkan aku sendiri. 

Aku Trus ambik wudhu untuk bacakan yaasin untuk mak.

Ya allah ya tuhanku kau mudahkan segala2 nya untuk mak.

YaaSin untuk Emak

Semalam dan arini tak tau brapa kali akubacakan  Yaasin utk mak. Yang aku perasan bila mak tengah resah kesakitan dan bila aku bacakan yaasin mak akan diam dan terus terlelap.

Malam tadi aku tido seblah mak. Mak atas katilnya dan aku tido atas kerusi malas aje. Setiap satu jam mak akan terjaga dan tiap kali terjaga mak akan beristighfar, dan allahuakbar tak pernah lekang dari mulut mak. 

Pagi ni mak masih merintih menahan kesakitan. Aku bersihkan mak lap muka mak. Suapkan susu. Mak dah tak boleh nak sedut. Aku dapat rasakan seluruh anggota badan mak dalam kesakitan. Bibir mak kering sangat. Akusuapkan susu   ..pun amat payah mak nak buka mulut. Hati aku bagai disiat siat. Tapi depan mak aku kena tenang. At least mak boleh jadikan itu sebagai salah satu sumber kekuatan untuknya. Insya allah.

Tengok keadaan mak yang makin kritikal menyebabkan sebak aku mcm tak berpenghujung. Macam esok takde urk aku. Aku rasa hidup tanpa org untuk dipanggil mak dan abah macam tak lengkap. Sejak abah takde aku dapat rasa kepincangan hidup mak. Maybe sebulan dua mak bole tanggung tp bila dah setahun memang meruntun

 jiwa mak.

Tadi sebelum balik aku sempat bisik kat telinga   mak ampun kan dosa ida 

mak. Mak angguk2 kepala. Sblm aku balik mak panggil aku. Dalam bunyi

 suara mak. Aku tanya mak nak akubacakan  yaasin ke? Mak angguk lemah. Setiap kali bacaan aku habis aku doakan agar sakit mak dikurangkan. Bagi lah mak rihat dan tenang di saat saat  akhirnya. Tak tertanggung mata aku tengok keadaan mak.

Ya allah ya tuhanku tiada lain yang kumohob agar Kau berikan ketenangan untuk mak. Ringankan segala tanggungan dan kesakitan yang mak alami. Hilangkanlah rindu mak pada abah. Aku redha dengan sepenuh hati.

Amiinnn. 

Aku ke BOLa?

.

Kadang2 aku rasa aku seperti bola. Ditendang ke tengah, tepi, dalam, luar...tp jarang sekali 'aku' diGOLKAN'.

Ntah la tak tau pulak kenapa. Aku pun tertunggu2 bila aku akan disepak ke palang gol terus! 

Ada byk sbb aku berasa demikian. Pelbagai! Bermacam2! Aku jarang lawan pengadil di padang... Jauh lg dikenakan penalti! Ada sekali aku dapat kad merah

Tp tk  pulak aku diharamkan dari masuk padang!!

Aku pernah mncipta beberapa hatrick tp aku masih kekal begini. Ada dua kali cubaan dari kelab lain untuk membeli aku tp semua aku tolak sbb aku sayangkan team aku.

Bbrapa bln yang lalu pengurus pasukan bersemuka dengan aku. Dia cuba mencungkil sesuatu dari aku. Hahhahah

Aku ok je. No push factor kataku. Pull factor tak dinafikan memang 

banyak. Dia akur nampaknya. Only time will tell kataku. Am only human and I cannot promise anything.

Well life has to go on. Amidst all the internal and external challenges that i have to face and encounter, all I only want is a peace of mind and that I can give my full commitment to whatever I do be it for myself, my family, my team and the club!

Di sisa kehidupan mu

Pagi ni aku agak lambat pergi umah mak.

Tersasar tidurku. Must be the tiredness that my body have been absorbing. Amir yang planned nak ke walkathon sekolah pun tak jadi pergi.

Sampai umah mak, dia masih tidur. Aku tatap wajah mak puas2. Aku usap pipi cengkung dia. Aku pegang tangan dia yang penuh dgn urat yang kian menimbul terasa sejuk. 

Aku bg salam kat telinga mak. Dia bukak mata dan jawab salam aku. Setiap kali bersihkan mak aku rasa amat bersalah sbb mak akan menahan kesakitan dan saat saat tu la allahuakbar akan sentiasa meniti di bibir mak. Ada kalanya perlahan adakalanya kuat. Harini rintihan mak menusuk betul. 

Lps bersihkan mak aku ambil wudhu terus bacakan yaasin utk mak. Sama kuatnya bacaan aku dgn rintihan allahuakbar mak. Mula2 aku rasa suara aku bergetar menahan sebak sampai nak keluar air mata ....Lama kelamaan suara mak makin perlahan. Saat aku habis bacaan yaasin mak dah terlelap.  

Habis aje baca yaasin, Amir ketuk pintu bilik ada orang dtg katanya. Sedara mara yang tahu keadaan mak akan datang ziarah setiap hujung minggu.

Tadi aku teringin sangat nak mak panggil nama aku. Aku bisik kat telinga mak. Mak kenal ke siapa ni? Mak pandang aku lamaaa. Pastu aku dengar mak sebut nama aku .. Ida.. Ida .. Dalam suara mak bila sebut nama aku.... sedalam kasih aku pada mak yang takde galang gantinya...

Doaku agar diringankan kesakitan mak.

Berilah dia kekuatan utk menghabiskan sisa sisa hidup dengan tenang dan aman.

Amiinnn.

From KK with love

Just got back from KK.

Sepanjang di KK each second passed by sungguh meresahkan dan mendebarkan.

Bila malam lagi aku keresahan.

Its all about you.

Dalam hati pleaasee dont leave me now...

I need to be by your side

I want to be by your side when u open your eyes

I still want to touch your skin, your face, your hair, your eyes...

And now m here beside u.

Seeing u like this breaks my heart

Listening to your moaning of continuous pain kills me ...

Tidur la mak

Ya allah ya tuhanku

Berilah ketenangan untuk dia

Hilangkan kesakitan yang ditanggungnya

Cukup lah cubaan dan ujian mu ke atasnya.

Allahuakbar. 

Haze in Me

I know mak has been asking about me from our helper Tinah. It has been twice. Last week when I was on leave and took care of her, she asked Tinah was I on leave? Didn't I have work at the office? ...
Yesterday when I cleaned her she didn't say anything except looking at me. At the kitchen, Tinah told me mak was asking about me yesterday ...

I took the lazy chair inside her room and sit beside her. She was fast asleep. I could see that the sore that she had on some parts of her legs are getting better. Thanks to my SILs Ros and  Ju who have also been taking care of her. Tried to read some books but perhaps the tiredness inside me put me to sleep as well. I dreamt of mak actually. She could get up and talked to me. It was something that we really hoped for.

But I knew it was merely a dream when I was woke up by Azam. For lunch, I fed mak porridge. She ate... Ed said she has not been eating for a while. Kalau makan pun sesuap dua. Looked she was enjoying her food. Perhaps she wanted me, her only daughter to feed her. Yeah maybe.... After eating I checked her condition. Hold her hands...

After a while she looked restless. Asked her why. She didn't reply except looking at me with tears at the edge of her eyes. She started reciting surah...that indicated she was in pain. I hold her hands again. Stroked her hair hoping that would calmed her down. She kept on reciting...sometimes louder sometimes deep in between her voice. I hold her in my arms while she looked straight and sometimes closed her eyes. I couldn't look at her eyes. I looked down crying with tears falling to the floor. I was sobbing hard while she kept on reciting and reciting and reciting. When she stopped I took her instant pain reliever. It was not that easy nowadays to get her to take her meds. After dealing with some persuasion she did swallow the capsule. It was about 20 mins later she went asleep.

At 230 Ed changed her patch meds. She then was asleep until I left for home.
Feel like zombified. I googled a lot after that though I used to do that before checking and matching her conditions with the info that I gathered on the net. The symptoms are here and there. Mak is fighting inside I guess. At times she surrendered at times she won. The big C continues attacking. She knew that long time ago.

I think my siblings and I are quite ready for the day to come. But I bet none of us are ever ready to lose her for good.

We just hope ...God please ease her pain. That's all that we ever wanted. Let her go in peace and pain free.

Looks like the haze is finally gone but the haze inside me still lingers...

Be a Fighter

 

 

This is for Mak!

I love U till the last drop of my blood.

I know u hv bn fighting

I understand well that at times u just wanna give up..

I saw u fought well and brave

I saw your swift but satisfying happines

I saw u bereaved

I saw you crying...

I saw you in pain.. Physically and emotionally..

I know i could not turn back the 

clock...

And all i have to do is to keep on praying

that it will be easy for you.

Allahu Akbar!

No more appointment for her

While occupying myself with things to be settled this morning at the office, i received a WA msg stating tht 'no more appointment for mak'.

I was trembling when i read tht msg. All of a sudden i see mak infront of my eyes lying there hopelessly in pain while she keeps on reciting a few surah that she memorized. 

I was then distracted with office stuff and tht has diverted my mind far away ..but only for a short span of time.

When i drove back home my mind zoomed to the msg again ... Mo more appointment for mak. Its like a life sentence for me n my siblings. I broke down and cried all the way back home.

That msg clearly means (scientifically) that her 'time' is getting closer and nearer. 

Her condition worsen each day. Today as reported by Ros ...the symptoms ..the unstable condition of hers ...signify 'the time'.

A few moments tht i managed to snap 2 months ago n current.

More photos of her... Masa ni masih okayy

This was the last moment i saw her holding a book....

More of her

Will miss all and every bits of u mak!

Nursing MaK

Sharon the nurse from Hospis visited mak yesterday. It was my first eye to eye session with sharon. A nice lady though who understands the predicament and at the same time instill the need to be patience, strong and leave it to God.

I applied 3 days leave. Just to be with her. Nursing her. I dont even know when can I do tht if I dont take the chance now. Time is running fast. The only days that i can be with her are merely on weekends. And that depends too. So here I am. Trying my best to be at her side.

Mak was fast asleep when she came.

Sharon : pn hamidah, its me sharon. Open your eyes. How are u today?

Mak : fine.

Sharon : open your eyes puan... Your children are worried about your condition. Why are you not eating?

Mak : no response

Sharon : look here.. Who is here with u today? You recognize her?

Mak : my daughter ( can sense the tiresome and feeling weak in her voice).

I dont quite know the reason why mak and arwah abah kalau jumpa doc mesti nak converse in English :).

Sharon now has changed the meds from consume to merely patch. She taught us how to stick the patch on mak's body. The meds in morphine format will run via the blood vessel. One patch lasts for 3 days. In between mak can still take oxynorm an immediate pain reliever.

After checking on mak, we talked in the presence of Ed. I didnt know why must i cried infront of sharon. She calmed me down.

Sharon said cancer can be a silent killer. At times there are no signs at all ie sudden death.

She advised us on symptoms of within an hour; a drastic deterioration tht can cause death. Acc to her mak is deteriorating weekly n tht means she has more or less a month.

This morning i could see her response on what ever i communicated to her. She is in the state of confusion.

But to my surprise she talked to me. A simple one or two sentences saying that she is in pain...deep pain. All i could do is to hug her tight, kissed her forehead, held her hands and all the thunderstorm crashed inside me.

New look does matter

The rebrand was a success. A timely step i guess. Well it was not an easy peasy one. It took me a whole lot of courage and patience. Its easier said than done. Be there, you will know what did it take to reach the first station. Why i said it is a first station? Its the beginning of a lot of things.... Sacrifice, sweat and of coz determination!  But it challenged you to the last piece of your mind, body..and everything of u. 

I even came to the point of having my own mantra... 'please god gimme the strength' and at the same time contemplating to let things go.

Alhamdulillah...despite the age, not in depth knowledge but with guidance (of coz the hard way) coupled with good team work and awesome team spirit, we managed to pull thru...

It is an amazing journey!

Yes we did it ...

But the journey has just started.. Still a long way to go peeps!

Hijrah yang abadi

There are so many reasons why i wanted 15 oct to end fast. But nothing beats the reason tht i want to be beside mak.

Told bos i need to take leave immediately after 15 oct. i need to be with her.

Today  i sat beside her. Nowadays she talked less.. bedridden.... Pegang tangan dia.. Usap rambut dia. Suapkan makan untuk dia. Tak tau esok esok masih sempat tak aku buat tu semua utk mak.

Harini memang tersentuh aku tgk mak.

Apa lagi bila Ed cakap at one stage dulu setiap hari mak selalu tanya aku. Rasa satu beban duduk kat bahu aku bila dengar Ed cakap macam tu.

Kadang2 tanggungjawab yg pelbagai buat aku selalu have mixed feelings...

At one side nak take care of mak. Orang kata mak boleh jaga 10 orang anak tapi seorang anak belum tentu dapat jaga mak sorang. At the other hand nak keep up to the expectation at work..and at the same time perform my duties as a mother and a wife. Juggling all these at one time made me insane at times. Insane as i couldnt give my best to all 3 at one go!

Skang ni mak dah memang kurang respon kat semua orang. Tgk cara dia tido dgn tgn tertib  dah tunjukkan yang mak dan ready.

Sharon from Hospis dah start visitation every week. That shows mak's condition.

Acc to her mak's condition is deteriorating. Her "time" is getting near.

Apa apa pun semuanya di tangan Allah. Takde apa yang lebih baik utk mak selain dari dikurangkan kesakitannya dan semoga dia pergi dengan tenang. Hijrah yang abadi dan kekal utk mak.

Allahuakbar.

What to expect?

I am not sure as to whether she knows her condition well. Frankly i am scared

I am hopeless... I dont know what to feel. What to expect.

Every now and then i broke down while driving alone to the office...fr office back home.

Her unstable condition is an emotional roller coster to me. 

I know each day its not getting better. In fact she is getting weaker, less talk, emotionless ... Or perhaps she is counting days herself. 

I missed that smile..that shiny eyes..that unexpected jokes cracking from her..

How could i live without u?

Hukm 4 sept 2015

 Dia tak tido semalaman. Atas sebab tu aku pun tak bole nk melelapkan mata. Perasaan aku bercampur baur. Sedih ada ..nak meraung pun ada... Rimas pun ada.

And that all contributed to the wide eyes. Mak kata abah datang tidur seblah dia. Mak nampak abah selimutkan dia sambil abah cakap 'sejuk kat sini...pakai ni'..

Tak tau sebab apa..mak tetiba macam tak sedar dengan keadaan sekeliling dia. Dia tanya ' kat mana mak ni?'

Mula2 dia pandang aku dengan pandangan yg pelik. Mcm tak kenal anak sendiri. Aku usap kepala dia sambil beristighfar dan bca fatihah. 

Stengah jam lps tu aky dengar mak panggil abah berulang kali. Aku cakap lagi mak abah dah takde. ' tp abah dtg tadi'

Mak terlalu rindukan abah. Mak nangis teresak esak sambil cakap dia memang rindukan abah. Dah  dekat setahun ....

Aku ambik tasbih bagi kat mak sambil buka mp3 al quran. Baru nmpak dia tenang sikit. 

It was 5 am baru aku dpt llpkan mata. Disbbkan tk bole sembahyang aku tertido sampai kul 7,30 pgi.

Aku sedar bila aku rasa ada org usap ubn ubun dan rambut aku,

Aku tak sedar air mata laju je turun sbb tangan mak yg belai rambut aku ..

More TiMe with Her

I promised myself to spend more time with her. Trying my best. Spent a night with her. Tho oya was around i just wanna make sure that i hold her,  soaped her, stroked her and hold her hands.

I wept everytime she closed her eyes. Just to make sure that she didnt notice these tears. Just wanna make sure that  i look okay and strong even tho my emotion is shattering.

Some relatives who knew abt her condition started to visit. She looked tired but still tried to hide her emotions. Her eyes watered once when she spoke on abah. I looked away..didnt sure as to whether i shd look to her eyes.

This morning after cleaning her up with oya..we talked. Just want to have as many as mum n daughter talks before the time comes to an end. We laughed. I held her hands.

She had a request actually. Wanted to see her sisters. She had tiny tears at the edge of both eyes.
Ok i will. Told her that. Guarantee her that i will get my aunties; her sisters come and visit soon.

Spoke to achik. Hearing her voice i couldnt control my tears. It was a few second pause..and perhaps wht achik heard was my sobbing.

This is sad.
I still dont know what to expect.

But m becoming to redha...

DreaM

Have been having sleepless nights lately. After almost a year i thot indreamt of abah and  azmin both together last week.

Went to see mak dis morning. Semlm mak balik tapi tak sempat nak jenguk sbb sampai umah pun dah nak kul 11 malam.

Occupying myself with office works has always been an excuse to divert my thinking to stray from mak' s condition. Its not a sin... but its a matter of  being positive and on top of situation.

Dont know what to expect!
I am just feeling lost.

Here again....

Have been wanting to write. The urge is there but the moments have been so melancholic.

The tears would be running rather than words. 

Mak has been admitted again. This time round it is bad. I could say that it's a matter of bertahan.

I have to say that I was bold when it came to asking questions to the doc about her condition. Hers is stage 4. " the tumor is rapidly growing. It has affected her lymph nodes from the waist below. On top of that her nerves problem is also a major contributing factor." The last sentence from the doc after being so called interrogated by myself was " she has more or less 3 months. I am sorry".

Phew....i felt so numb. Feel like flying high aimlessly.

When I got to her bed she asked what was wrong with her condition. Told her its her nerves. And that RT will not be done as this would worsen her condition. That's it. Not to further complicate her condition the docs are keen to increase the dosage of the painkiller rather than strolling her for radiography. 

Was with her since yesterday. Observed her all the time. Her breathing, her face, her chest, her body...all of her. Sometimes I hold her hands tight. Indicating I won't in fact I don't wanna let you go. I know I'm gonna lose her soon. Scientifically, yes. 

Arghhhh I hate this feeling. 

I don't know what to expect

I don't know what to do

I don't know how to react in front of her....

She has been tested a lot and enuf said this is the max and the peak!

The clock is ticking!

Dah lama betul tak update blog ni.

Masa mencemburui aku hahahahha puiiiii!!!!

Nnti ada plak yang cakap fb bole pulak update... Kan? Kan?

Ntah la rasanya aku akan ke sini bila aku rindu...

Rindu baca entri entri aku yang lepas..

Rindu kat arwah abah

Rindu kat arwah azmin..

But seriously speaking that is the fact.

I hv not been writing here for quite some time dah.... most of the entries were on what have been happening to me n my family,  losing someone close to my heart .... 

something sad something nostalgic

a place where i would go to fill the emptiness when missing the good old times ..

well perfectly something that i am able to read... one fine day as a pinch of my own definition of down memory lane.

At times reality is killing me inside...

Mak has not been well since for the past 2 months. It is all of a sudden. We were at joy and happiness when mak looked so cheerful. Took her for trips. The last trip that she had was when i sent oya to uitm Bertam. She was looking good and the trip was on da house! This was the best part....She paid for everything. 

She ate, she laughed, we took pictures, watched the sea waves hmmm tak tau la ombak ke apa kan?? Kat feringhi. She wanted to see all the kpg along the way at teluk bahang.  Rafiq aka saudagat unta took the other way to reach feringhi and yup she enjoyed it. While amir with his polaroid camera took pics of hers with oya. She complained that she looked charby when amir showed her the photos. She pleaded from amir to have at least one of the photos taken. But that kiddo being a lil' kiddo .. he declined her wish!

Well that was her last 2 months. All of a sudden she complained of an unbearable back pain. Cut it short, she was admitted to hukm. The doc said  sthg wrong with her spine due to aging and that she needed to undergo an operation asap just to ensure her nerves are not further injured. The day that she was supposed to be strolled to the OT, she was said to had cardiac arrest in silent. Thereafer it was a long medical procedures that she faced everyday.

She was released home without having the ops done. Her unstable conditions worry us a lot. There goes our days till now. I am panic whenever i received calls from Ed no matter day or night. Its always mak that occupies my mind.

Nowadays weekends are always about spending time with her. My routine would be assisting her to bath. She still want to do on her own. Shower her is a must thing to do. Powdered her..combing her hair. 

Deep in my heart i dont want to miss this opportunity. I dont want to let these times went off just like that. I dont want to envelope myself in regret if something happen. It can be any time. It can be mak... it can be me!

But being a human with all sorts of hats to be worn.. an employee,  a supervisor,  a wife, a mum, a friend and a lover i have my own issues..my ups and downs...

sometimes i have to  prioritize and at times the priority that i chose hurt me in side... a lot. At one side i want to appear cool. At the other side i am struggling..gasping for space to breathe. What ever it is balancing life and work nowadays is not an easy task. No joke!

I can say tht there will not be an equality i.e balance. Its either someone will be deprived today but will get back their rights no matter how anytime maybe tomorrow..maybe next week...or any time. In this scenario...the ones that have been deprived alot would be my baby lil kiddo amir and my beloved other half saudagar unta. All that i know that their love for me will never ever fade. I love them with all my heart..something that cannot be described and defined literally.

Amidst all these..i want to stay positive..always look at the brighter side..

Nurture the love between my siblings ...dah tinggal 3 org je pun incl me. Cant imagine life without any of them..without mak..nightmare mannn..

i just hope that...and hope and hope at times like this, i am able to think rationally and positively. 

Tired? Dont mention it. It determines your inner strength. The clock is tickin' ...anything can happen. All we have to do is to follow the flow..sabarrr..be positive..inculcate positives vibes and apa saja yang berlaku ada hikmahnya.

Kita hanya merancang tapi Allah yang tentukan!

A note to myself!!!