ME? Pretentious?

It's 10/15pm. She is still awake...watching Seniman Bujang Lapuk.....At least that occupies her for this moment. Had her first radiotheraphy treatment today. As alarmed by the Doc, she could feel the burning sensation at the affected area - due to the rays from the radiation. I just hope that she will keep her mind focus and remain positive ... She has to sustain whatever it takes... How cruel and selfish this statement is!
I want the old you mak! Sumpah... Tak tipu...!!!!!

Back at home, Amir is one of those affected... He is now stationed at SIL's place after school. Tonite he's at another SIL's place. Hubby has to attend to an urgent meeting.... and I am here looking after his granny. Pitty him... Looks like everything goes a bit haywire. How I wish if I could be in 2 places at one time!

Trying very hard to divide my time between  - mum, family, hubby, amir, work.... arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....   pretending everything is manageable and under controlled... when in true fact I am fighting and drowning inside?

LOST in my OWN Emotions

The weekend was a tiring one. Had a body massage but I just felt that whatever that I am carrying now is unlifted at all. There's always something at the back of my mind ... tried not to think or deal with it...it stays there. It's not something that I can get rid off just like that.

Since my other half and Amir were not around, I stayed overnight with her on Saturday. Did everything for her. This reminds me of my old days...when I used to do all the house chores. She looked a bit positive. Perhaps happy to have all the familiar faces around her.

She will undergo the treatment starting tomorrow. I dont know how she feels at the moment. Scared? Positive? Come what may? Tried to read her mind. But everything was clueless and full of uncertainty...  I was deeply  lost in my own emotions...

Only she knows..... Only GOD knows whats the best for her at the moment and what's the best for us...

Praying hard that she can sustain all the way. Praying very hard indeed that everything will go as fine as I wish....

The PAIN continues?

Clad in baju kurung, I observed that she has been losing weight drastically...
That baju kurung looks really unfit for her now.
Was with her this morning for the simulation on the radiation theraphy.
I saw some marks on her stomach and around the pelvis area... that would be the identified places for the treatment.

A young doc by the name of Dr Anil came and approached me. So the treatment will commence next week. 25 external radiations - 10 mins per session, 5 chemos and 3 internal radiations. The process of internal radiation is a bit complicated though....

He explained on the side effects - definitely varies according to patients. Everytime he elaborated, I can't resist my eyes from not looking at her. Her eyeballs were clueless.... Her face showed no expression at all.

This has invited more and even deeper pain inside me...

BLISS and BLESS

Just had a chat with the girls - Jiji, Deby G and Wawa. Wawa is currently in Korea. ...at least it drained away my fears...really treasure that even only for a split second.

Couple of things happened today at the office. Braved myself to talk to MJ. Told her that I might withdraw myself from the leadership course. I am not sure if my decision is on the right track. "Frankly, I am afraid to ask you on her condition"... she confessed. Deep in my heart I dont even mind that as I might do the same thing....

She supported my decision and fully understand the situation that I am facing at the moment. But I dont think that would be a reason for me to relinquish all my duties and my workload. Thanks MJ!

I was about to enter the boardroom for the Tender Comm Mtg when I saw Jiji sitting at the sofa and was on heavy conversation with a bald headed man. As I entered the waiting area at Level 21, that man gave me a salam. Surprise ... surprise... its the Big Boss. He's back from Umrah... He looked different though..... but still as unpredictable as before.... As usual we talked on almost everything, work, political issues, resignation  of the senior minister and of coz his experience with the Arabs - the camel man... he said... :)

I took that opportunity to briefly asked his permission ( as a courtesy) if I could put the leadership course on hold. I was indirectly nominated by him for the course. Alhamdulillah he understands my situation and mentioned that I should put my priorities right.

This, at least has given me the opportunity to focus on her treatment commencing next week. Have spoken to the HR Mgr as well and her advice is similar to the rest.

What more can I say? I am blessed and hoping for more blessings to come especially when it concerns her condition. May this be the initial positive sign.. am longing for more... something that I need as food to my soul....

A Train Wreck FEELING?

Lots on my plate at the moment. Mind - cramped with so many things. Feel like attending to all simultaneously. As if it can be tackled and done within seconds! Another absurdity that I'm creating?

Have been spending time with her since Friday. Could see her relief face...after that minor ops. Deep inside, I'm questioning myself - is she everyready for the truth? One thing for sure I am not.... but forcing my mind and heart to sync... to accept and deal with it with an open heart.

So, Prof Hatta came to see us. Her's at the moment is stage 2B. Not as I predicted... 2 growths found. The one needs to be attended asap is the cervix. Treatment - radiotherapy cum mild chemo - 16 rounds! Major ops will be determinded if the other growth remains intact.

She watched the TV but I could see emptiness on her face. She read the paper but her mind was somewhere else. It strucked my mind then... we've gotta be strong for her.

It will be a long journey now for all of us. Wheelchaired, he came last night. For the first time ever, Jo, my brother confided to me his tense and true feelings. All I can say is we are in the same boat...We have to be strong for her, her other half and us.

Frankly I'm beginning to miss the good old days...

TQ Guys!

'Come what may kak, you have to accept the fact" - frankly that was the least that I wanted to hear from a friend at the moment. But that was in fact the right thing to do... be prepared.... a piece of advice from Deby G, whom I believed went thru the same experience ....

I was a bit emotional though when I heard that the minor ops scheduled on Tues was postponed. I am so wanting all this to be over soon with a happy ending! As it is now, I make sure I am not deprived of seeing her every day. Make a point to visit her after work even though merely for half an hour! Give her the outstanding hugs that I must have owed her for years...

I thought I couldn't find the 'peace' when I am at the office. But those ppl at the office ( Jiji, Deby G, Wawa, Kama, Nojah and Mr M) have extended me with all kinds of moral support. Some of these guys might didn't say anything but a simple "how are u " made my day actually. I love u guys! Thank you for being there for me..

Tq Kama for reminding me that as 'glorious brothers and sisters' we should confide to each other.  And Jiji for replacing me for the briefing at GH ... I really treasured that... and even enjoyed your video while declaring Chandran as the patron of SVC! That was really cool...  And of coz the 2 stooges Wa and Nojah with all kinds of craziness...
 

Back at home, I could see that her other half is getting better. Gave him a ride home yesterday. He was there to  visit her...We didnt talk much on our journey back home. Tried to create conversation but it ended in seconds. The man I drove home yesterday preferred to stay quiet. I wondered what was in his mind... I could see the mixture of expressions on his face - empty, worried and perhaps helpless. Once reached home, I could feel his emptiness deepened.... All I can say is hang in there... we have to be strong for her and for each other ....continue our prayers ...everything will be alright....
Insyallah...

The SOFT spot in HIM

At home, Joe said abah's condition is deteriorating... I don't really understand what Joe meant... until last 3 days it happened to me. I believe he missed her a lot.

For the first few days upon her admission, he cried every night. All this while I think he is the MAN! But now I realized he has that soft spot....What do you expect...spending more than 45 years together...

He has been spending his nights with us, on rotation basis. Last night, he spent the night with 3 of us after a small family dinner. Felt a bit awkward yesterday...without her presence. So it was a short one. No jokes... it was a plain dinner.

I am restless... wanting this to be over soon...
I hope the conclusion of this whole stretch would be a good one not only for her and for him...
But for everyone...indeed!

HER Fans!

She has been complaining of insomnia for the last couple of days. I think maybe she has been 'disturbed' by people visiting her during the day. Something that can't be avoided I guess. She is the only patient who has been visited by many every day!.... as if she has a fan club!

Some relatives were shocked with the news. Some gave positive insights. Some kept on asking her the chronology of the incidents. At one point I told myself I should have recorded her voice so that people can just listen. Psychologically, when she keeps on repeating, it will instill negative vibes rather than positive... Well.. hubby laughed at my ideal thoughts.... I know it wont work anyway...

Relatives come and go. Most of them said it was very thoughtful of me to look after her. I think this is not a matter of thoughtful or otherwise. It's a matter of responsibility. ... I own to this duty ... putting aside my priorities at the moment. Thank you to my other half who have been very supporting ! Being with her, I had the opportunity to meet up with long lost relatives whom I haven't met for quite some time. It puts smile on my face when some of the relatives recalled all the old memories and made her laughed.

At least those smiles promised slices of happiness and drained away her fears, if any....

STRONGER, I should BE

I was talking to her just now when suddenly Amir said he wanted to speak to her.
"Kenapa lamanya nenek nak sihat" (what took you so long to get better)... that conversation hurts me...
I know Amir has been missing her... so do the others...
I have not been spending my nights with her since yesterday....since all beds are now fully occupied.

Her first neighbour is a teacher. Still young and single she  got her fibroid removed in Dec last year and is currently doing her 2nd round of chemo. For the very first time I understood what is chemo and how does chemo acts in cancer treatment. I think she is a stong lady.

Then came makcik Wan Jarah, aged 73 and had her ovary removed also last year. She had lost her hair and was admitted due to vomitting and lost of apetite. She was discarged this evening after the doc said that she is in good condition. She had 4 rounds of chemo. Before leaving, she said she will not undergo the chemo treatment again as it 'hurts; her a lot...

Then came the 3rd neighbour, Makcik Zaharah, 56 years of age and had completed her final chemo (altogether 6 rounds). She got her tumor removed in 2010. She too had lost her hair. She was here for ct scan; a normal procedure to track further expansion of the cancer (if any).

Next came a lady by the name of Jenny. I didnt manage to speak to her. This morning she had a major operation. Mum said from 8.00 am until 5,00pm. But her other half was always present and seen to be very caring.

The last  neighbour was placed on her left side. A Malay lady by the name of Kak Rina. aged 49. When she was first admitted to the ward, I thought she was a teenage aged maybe 18 due to her size. She was crying, sobbing and moaning in pain. Her maid told me that she had ovarian cancer and got the tumor removed 10 years ago, She has a child. Lost her husband last year. The brothers and a niece are taking care of her. She is in bad condition and the cancer is destroying her. I pity her a lot...

Looking what's and who's surrounding her at the moment, I realised this might be some of the consequences that all cancer patients wil have to go through. I always make sure that these surroundings will not hamper her from keeping herself positive mentally and physically.

I am not sure what I did is wrong or right. I googled on cancer treatments, chemo, radiotheraphy and the consequences, how to deal with the consequences of chemo and radiotherapy treatment and etc... I channel the info to her in such a subtle way and convince her that she will be okay. All she has to do is continue to be strong and  avoid uncessary stress.

Sometimes I think its easier said than done.... I dont know what's inside her mind... I dont know how 'strong' is her strong...
... and as for me... I am left with no choice but to be stronger and stronger each day...
... and have FAITH in ALLAH.

This I PROMISE U

It has been 5 days. I have been observing her emotional landscape.. and studied mine as well.
She was somehow or rather 'complacent' after she got herself CT scanned.
The examination showed that there was a conflict on the reports.
Hence, they (refer to the specialist and the docs) have decided to perform EUA (examination under anaesthetic). This is to identify the location and the origin of the tumor. Said to be done within half an hour, this is a procedure named 'staging' - to examine the stage, grade and the extension of the cancer cells. Next they will take a sample of the cells/tissues for further biopsy. Followed suit would be the major ops.

They said her's at the moment is still at stage 2. Grade is to be determined after the EUA. So far since she had no complaint on painful urinating, they said there shouldnt be any bladder or rectum problem. I am still convinced that her's is at the lowest level.

I had a chance ( ...since I got married in 1996) to have "girls' talk.. Just to keep her occupied and think something positive. It ended with myself acting as a 'psychologist' - talking positive things with her, instilling words of confidence and cracking jokes..just to make her happy, unstress and smile.

Dr Maizatul's piece of advice - once a patient is diagnosed with cancer, he/she must not think of the illness as this is the best psychological medicine that will see the patient sail thru in overcoming her/his illness.

She has just got a neighbour. An elderly of 72 years of age. She had done the operation and is diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had done chemo and was admitted today due to severe vomiting. when her daughter left, she pulled her curtain so that I couldnt see or notice her. She had lost her hair... just what I thought.. (felt sorry for her).

I hope mum wont see this as something negative. Something that would scare her.
I whispered to her, that is normal. I think she is aware that she will be experiencing the same 'after effects'.
Looking at the real sample of cancer patient in front of my naked eyes, I feel sorry for my mum. Its not merely the painful and the agony that she will have to go through.. but its more than that...and true enough it is very scarry.

I just hope ..... when she reaches to that stage (if ever), she is still the strong woman that I've known .....
... that she will never give up no matter what happen ...
... that she will keep her fighting spirit high ...
... and my pledge and promise to U MAK... I will be by your side till the end of the journey...

A Challenge of EMOTIONS

I have been praying hard ....
Pray that soon, she will recover ...
Pray that she is strong to face and overcome what she has been experiencing now...
At this moment, that is all I need.


Had to deal with my own emotions last night....right after the doc revealed her prognosis.
On top of dealing with my own unstable emotions, had to act so cool...like nothing serious ...like I can do wonders... and she can be rest assured that there is nothing wrong with her. ...when in total fact, it is not.

When the doc mentioned that maybe the cancer has spread to her lungs, I felt its the end of my world....without thinking of her's. It was like an explosion of a ticking bomb smacked right onto my face . That news has put me at my lowest degree of emotion. I cried the whole night.  It was more disheartening when I observed that she was emotionally down.

She would probably cool at one time and confuse subsequently. While tears running down, I had to put her into comfort. I knew it might not help when I heard my trembling voice ......Her emotions retaliated I guess...  a clear indication thru a sudden high fever and continuous coughing. Sponged her all night...and her BP shooted up!

I didnt even know where the strength came within me then... Told myself she is my reflection. Have to keep my spirit high. Kept on whispering to her that she will be okay...that she is a fighter ..... I could see another patient who was in chemo treatment observed me all the time. Every now and then I would shed my tears...

It was a long night and I even wished ridiculously.. please let this be one of my nightmares... But it wasn't.

I am still here. Watching her breathe in and out. Holding her hands... with tears running inside.
I am aiming for her speedy recovery.
Being here with her has taught me a lot about life...emotions ...fate...challenge...and most importantly a love for a mother.

What I'm experiencing now is really an emotional challenge ... that demands positivity, high spirit, emotionally strong  and patience.
This is a long winded journey of emotions ...
A journey that I dont want to be deprived of...

A journey that has no definite end....

Emotional ROLLERCOSTER

This morning she is in stable condition. She is more relax.
Not down with any fever or caugh..
Lungs infection is still being attended to..
and her diabetes..
She has been visited by some 'practical to be docs' as well..
And they have been asking for more blood samples. For the lungs, diabetic, caugh...

CT scan is scheduled tomorrow at 8.00am.
Hoping for no more / uncessary elements of surprise..
But if its fated, there is always light at the end of the tunnel... there's always blessings in disguise.

Started googling and searching info on how to deal with cancer patients.
Many declared it was like a life sentence when they first knew..
Tried  to get as many info on the available treatments be it surgey, radiotheraphy or chemo...
The only thing that I haven't googled is the survival rate.. It's a bit scarry though.. But need to be well informed as well.

Life will be different for all of us in the family upon this diagnosis.
Well she is ever ready I guess ..

A WOMAN of STRENGTH

Frankly, tonite I feel much better from the last 2 days.  This evening, she was still having the "unstabe" fever. Alhamduliilah it went off. Hope for no more fever. For the first time, I had a shoulder to cry on. Thank you my cousin sister Leen.

Abah came wheelchaired. Saw the couple exchanging looks. I could see his worrying eyes and I can sensed her deepest love for him. They have came to the stage where their eyes spoke rather than words! It touched me when he kissed her forehead before he left...

Today when everybody left, I had a chat with her. She told me that abah called last night and he cried. I could feel tears running down from my eyes but she acted so cool.  She told how she dreamt of someone whom we missed so much. Late Azmin ....

Had my first experience giving her a bath after 44 years .... I feel so grateful to be part of her life. I feel blessed to have this opportunity to be with her...


She continues to stay positive. Not even a sign of regret drawn on her face.
Her positiveness is my hope at the moment.
She is a woman of  courage.
She is a woman of strength!

The duty rests on ME

Today is her second day. Was not with her last nite. Had to be at home to settle some routine chores.
Ed was not allowed to be at her side. Its the "rule". Informed Jiji and MJ - need to be on EL for 2 days...
I sense this would be the case for the next 2 weeks. Just hope that they will bear with me on this for a while ......

Called her this morning. She had fever again last nite. and now she is on drips.. this time blood as well.
Told her that she has to be strong....
Told myself the same thing...

The INITIAL diagnose

I hate to go through this kinda situation again. M down with mixed feelings. Sad, angry,  confuse.. So, the initial diagnose - its stage 2. CT scan will determine the whole situation.
Just had her lungs xrayed. Doc said there were signs of infection.

She handled the news well. i acted so well too. Holding back the fears and tears...
M hoping for no element of surprise this Monday...
All she needs to have is a fighting spirit...
And all I need to do is to keep on praying very very hard and continue to have my fingers crossed.
This time tighter than before...

The JOURNEY begins...

"praying hard and keeping my fingers crossed".... that was my status three days ago. Yesterday, we were summoned by the doc at KPMC. They have gotten the result. True enough, it's cancer. Her condition is worrying. Weak, lost of apetite and continuous bleeding.

Last night, she was admitted to HUKM. Doc again took the sample tissue. Could see the pain in her eyes. Has been on drips. Today, another round of radiology examination. This time its CT scan.

Specialist will only be in house on Monday. Depending on her condition, she will undergo an operation or chemo. I have mixed feelings at the moment. Have to stay strong and act strong.

She said she dreamt of late Azmin twice.....

Weare still praying hard. Hoping for the best.

Mak, we want the 'old' you....