I'm SINKing?

I'm leaving her tonite. Gotta go back after 3 days accompanying her.
I am dying to see dad....These few days, his condition was 'reported' by both Joe and Ed. Perhaps I am more confident to see his condition with my very own eyes.

I have been occupying my time here by surfing ...searching info on lungs infection, hip surgery for elderly, recurring cancer, what's the treatment etc, etc...

Couldn't really focus in what I do. Mind is easily swayed and ended thinking of something else sighhhhhhhh.....
Have to admit that this is the most challenging situation to deal with..
Its very depressing at times...
Last week she was in good condition. The following day, after another treatment she is very weak...
Its frustrating to see her unstable condition...

Dad seems to be consistent... merely slight improvement. He's having fever at the moment while his lungs is being attended to by the docs. Knowing him, who cant really stay put, he must be very very restless. When all of a sudden, bedridden, he is not himself. Let alone the fracture that needs to be atended soon as well...
...more depressing situation to me...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This oncology ward is a bit quiet except during lunch visiting hour. Most of them are on home leave. Some also left since they have completed the treatment. Makcik Minah left the ward earlier. I was informed that her family wanted to try other alternatives. The 'kakak' whose hubby who had tongue cancer left. Her hubby passed away last Wed. So did the captain who had liver cancer left us for good also last week. Its sad to know that people whom you know for a short span of time left you... for good. Their passings were expected ...May all of them rest in peace.. Aminnnn..

I met 2 Chinese aunties who are now at their 80s. The first aunty's bed was just opposite mum's. She couldn't walk and therefore could't take care of herself. For these few days, I would go to her bed and offered her my assistance. Normally it was merely helping her to get boiled water, to pass her the bread or biscuits...  But she went home just now.... she has only 3 days to finish her treatment. A strong lady to me.

The other Chinese lady was placed a bit far. Since the ward is now not fully occupied, she was a bit isolated. I went to see her yesterday. She's 81. This morning I gotto know from her friend that she had breast cancer and had them removed 11 years ago. Now she has problem with her lungs. Half a pile of water was took out from her lungs yesterday... She has no one with her since her daughter is in Singapore. ... A nice lady to me .... she works in a temple and takes care of the temple near her house.

Frankly, talking to some ppl here makes me open my eyes wider. They are very positive, strong and they are nice and good people....They never thought what happened to them now is  a form of punishment..

And often nice and good people are tested in so many ways....
Perhaps I am one of them?
Or merely being tested and challenged to be nice and good people?
GOD knows!

Week 5 - Keeping Our Fingers Crossed

Seriously, I don't know what would happen to me without a lappy ...
Left it in Forte yesterday... Forced Joe to make a turning to send the lappy. I know that sounded stupid... and yes of coz that kinda of stupidity was not even entertained by the owner of that Forte.
So I was like sooo dammnnnnn bored without the lappy.... which in its absence, my BB was the only smart tool/device that I have. So no blogging, no emailing and no surfing and that equals to borring!

Finally, got it back at 8.00pm yesterday. .Legaa... That was the only form of entertainment that I have thru out my duration in the hospital. Not even handsome, young and cute doctors or at least doctors to be were around to release the current tense :)

Today, she completed her 5th week treatment. I had the opportunity to meet up with Prof Fuad during his rounds on Wednesday.  So most of the questions were from me rather than the patient herself! Prof examined her stomach especially the 2 locations of the tumors. The tumors have reduced significantly in size.

I was then informed that she has to complete 27 rounds of RT. As it is now, she has done 23 rounds. Chemos have been reduced from 5 to 3. Prof said her body couldn't stand the chemo effects and no matter what, the package of the whole treatment is deemed to be completed with 3 brachy sessions. So she has another 2 weeks to go!  Questions from Prof were directed to me rather than to mum then. I think he knows and still remembers how impatient I was during our first meeting demanding for answers and certainties.

Today, she had her first brachy. The procedure took about 5 hours. Mum is now relaxing and trying to have a good sleep. I noticed that she was a bit nervous before entering the OT just now. But glad to observe that she is okay. Thought of bringing her back tonite but I noticed that she was too weak and really unfit to move around. Had to bring her to the toilet and she's on drypers tonite...  Told the nurses the uncomfortable situation that she's having. She was given painkillers.
I think she has been restless since yesterday. A wife mysef, I know how she feels at the moment .....her husband's condition does matter to her.

Dad, on the other hand was said to have a slight improvement. Doc is still monitoring his breathing. He is doing some physio exercises to expand his lungs - a preparation for the surgery. We just hope he will recover soon. Even though Joe said the 'merepek' still exist ...at times.

Despite some stupid bloody comments from some people on what happened to us now, things look very positive and promising for both of them.
Will continue with our doa and prayers ....
For them to reunite again...
And for 3 of us to put that smile back on our face ...

The TWISTs and TURNs of Life

Have been texting Ed on dad's current condition. Glad to know that he finally asleep. I guess he has not been sleeping since his admission on Tuesday, 24 April 2012. Its very worrying to got to know that he starts 'meracau' and 'merepek' - when in actual fact he's not that kinda person. I keep on telling myself its merely lack of good sleep... Only that.... no other reason!

As mentioned by Ed, the doc did ct scan on his lungs. At first, they suspected a serious infection or existence of blood clot due to the fracture. Alhamdulillah, the infection is not serious. We thought the infection must due to his caughing for the past 3 days.There is also some improvement on his breathing. Still on oxygen mask but doc said the reading of his breathing is now consistent with the pulse.

In the meantime, his other half is due for brachy. Posptponed twice, Prof Fuad said she must undergo brachy within this week. They have done a few 'corrections' on her blood with all those drips. I could see both her hands are damn swollen. Too many injections taking sample of blood, sodium drips, and even sometimes she's on blood drip as well. I understand clearly that its for the prrpose of the treatment. She gotta complete everything. Prof said the tumor has reduced tremendously. That's a bit of good news to celebrate eh? But it means a lot more if he is in good condition. As it is now, she must be given all the positive support. 2 of her ward mates passed away last few days.... one of them was just opposite her.

Its quite a tough moment what we are facing now.Three of us (Joe, Ed and myself) have never discussed on what's happening now openly. We are actually reading each other's hearts and minds. So far, having the same blood running in us, we managed to undestand each other effectively. We are grasping for positive vibes within 3 of us..

God must love 3 of us so much! To my 2 brothers, hang in there... whatever the ending is, HE knows what's the best for us....

An ExPloRAcE of EMOTIONS

I  was running like crazy at HUKM hunting for a wheelchair this evening...
If there is any NGO at the moment that requests for wheelchairs as donations, I will definitely support for the approval. Confirm!
Finally, managed to get one for her.... right place, right time...

Had to bring her back today... 'Only one day Prof' .. 'should be okay' he said.
Text Joe - 'wait for us at the main lobby...on our way down now'..

Damn! it was the lift again... Wrong timing I guess....
Racing against time, I could see that she was holding tight to the wheelchair ...due to the 'drifting' and the 'cornering' that I made along the way to the lobby. Dont worry mum .... I am and always a good driver ...and efficient as well!

Joe said ' we go straight la nyah'. I didnt figure out that as a suggestion from him...To me it was an instruction... and I didnt respond at all. He got the message. We were not talking at all through out the journey. Mum - I guess she was preparing herself..

*******************************************************************************

He was surprised to see her... I saw his watery eyes and she controlled her emotions well.  He is on oxygen mask now.... The doc explained that at 11.00 am he said he couldn't breathe properly.  A dejavu! It happened to late Azmin when he himself requested for the same...

For the first time (after what happened for the past few months), one of my super duper strong brothers broke into tears.. I could feel him actually.. I know he has been keeping this for quite some time...
Men do cry.. nothing's wrong with that!

******************************************************************************

I was with him till 730pm. Told him not to take off the oxygen mask so often... He might feel uncomfortable... Several times, I caught him trying to close his eyes... Perhaps just like me wanting this to be one of those nightmares .... He watched me.. and I stared away from looking at his eyes ... holding back the tears.. .

Hold his hands.... Rub his forehead, Stroke his hair...with the hope that I am able to do this again and again and again.....and again...
My legs were so heavy ...leaving him ....
Whispered to him that I gotta go...
His reply was a simple nod...
... and I wept all the way....

LIFE is like a BOX of chocolates ...

-  Life is full of surprises, you never know what will happen next -

The traffic was like hell this morning. Joe had to use his Garmin for alternatives navigation to HUKM. Finally I reached safe and sound around 9.00 am. Grabbed myself a pack of porridge since that’s the only food that looks good to my eyes at the moment.

Oya was all set and ready to go home when I arrived. Pity her.... Well at least this is another learning phase for her.  An experience that she can always remember  for  the rest of her life (if she sees thing positively).

The moment I put my stuff down, 'how’s your father’ she asked impatiently.  Like a tape recorder, I told her the whole thing. She might have probably knew wht happened from Ed yesterday.  

She has mixed feelings...and I couldn’t figure out what's inside her mind at this very moment..

I was with him yesterday evening. Forced Azeem to tag along and suggested him to do a white lie – that he is actually 12 so that he can follow me inside.  He got thru with the trick.

There he was, bedridden... I couldn’t look at his eyes. Doc said he is in stable condition but observing the current condition of the person who went thru many hardships ... raising me all these years  .... is very disheartening, depressing and heartbreaking.

He can’t move at all. I sponged his face, body... and my heart was so soaked with grief, sorrow ... Fed him... Merely 2 spoons , he refused to have more.  

Couldn’t sleep well yesterday... even though with the “help” of all the medication for my fever, cough and flu.  Woke up every 2 hours... thinking of him...and her...both of them!

New adjustments need to be seriously planned now. I am now calculating and strategizing the way forward and the next step of actions. Everything is like a jigsaw puzzle in my mind. Trying to match and place things at the right place. 

All I can say now...

I'm glad to have 2 brothers who are super duper 'strong'

Their feelings are like "Touch' and 'Go" ...

Its always me who melt and cried

I'm blessed to have 2 SILs  who have been sharing the burden 

and of coz my beloved other half who has been so understanding and trying at his level best to assist in whatever means he can...

SOUL searching

He was once an unsung hero...
But to the hearts of the people close to him... he is "the" hero.

Having a father who is an ex army is not always 'fun' .... and 'no joke'...
He created rules and regulations that have no loopholes for any possible breach.
He is tough - pyhsically and emotionally..
His punctuality is superb! (at my current age now, I always make sure that I reach on time whenever he summons us !!).
In a nutshell, years servicing in the army has taught him a lot about life. Life is not easy. Life is too short. Life is about managing and preparing yourself to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong.
 
*****************************************************************************

This hero is no longer strong ...physically..
At 75 of age, his health sometimes is 'out of equilibrium' = imbalance
Things got worst when his other half (my mother) has been hospitalised for about 2 months now due to the popular silent killer, the Big C.
They have been 'separated' since then and due to her condition, they have not been meeting for about 2 weeks now.
Last weekend, I talked to him. Giving him assurance that she will be fine soon. Giving him high hopes that she will lead her normal life soon.
... and that he has to take good care of himself. He has to let go off his stress and whatever negative feelings inside him
... and that we are always there for him..
Even though we merely have only 3 of us after Azmin left us 10 years ago.
.... yes none of us would want to go thru the same experience when we lost Azmin. RIP, Azmin.. we have been missing you a lot... more than we can describe!

*****************************************************************************

I had a fever yesterday and went straight home. Told her that I cant be with her since I will be replacing Oya from Wed to Fri. Lil Amir is also having fever but is recovering. I took paracetamol and went to a deep sleep until at 10.00 pm when Ed rang me up.

He fell again and this time it was serious. In heavy rain with a bad headache I drove to see him.
There, he was lying in the main hall. Spoke to him. His hands were trembeling... enduring the pain.
He wanted me to massage his knee and side of the hip. In merely seconds, he asked me to stop. I bet it was the pain.

Few minutes after that, the ambulance arrived and it was a bit 'tough' to put him on the stretcher... I figured that he might fractured one of his bones.

                                                                *************** 

After a thorough check up and got himself x rayed, it was confirmed - hip fractured. He has lungs infection as well due to his flu. Surgery is the treatment. The latest is next week. There he is lying....
I see all this with a sobbing heart.

I am feeling numb at the moment....
Having 2 most important and beloved persons unwell at the same time...
Speechless...
Tried to act normal...
As normal as I can be...
...cracking jokes ...
Even though deep inside me...
I am soul searching...

Still Counting - Week 4

Its been nearly a month since she was diagnosed with the Big C. That excludes the challenging days when she was first admitted, thoroughly examined by the specialists and docs to be,  answering similar questions from the docs (e.g do u smoke, what was your job before . bla bla bla)... and the worst part when she was told buntly that her tumor has invaded her lungs... which actually equals to stage 4!  Upon CT scan, hers was then diagnosed as stage 2B with 2 tumors!  How time flies...It was not only the pain that she went through but I guess almost everything....

Our lives changed since that moment. Adjustments were made..and still being made every now and then. There were even trial and error among us, .. just to ensure that we found the right formula to overcome the predicament. It affects everyone in the family from the youngest to the eldest. 

Making adjustments has caused some sacrifices ... be it time, money or anything for that matters. There were/are moments of tense, sorrow and dissatisfaction... But one thing for sure it makes us stronger.
She was strong, focus and positive upon the diagnose... not that she isn't at the moment, but all those like been drifting away... a bit...

Week 4 - She has completed 18 RTs and 3 Chemos. Missed 1 RT - due to a public holiday and 1 Chemo due to high fever. Was supposed to go thru brachy session but was cancelled twice. Again due to high fever.

Her current condition - the side effects are now very revealing. Last 2 days was the worst so far. She is now experiencing the complete package of the side effects... and she is really trying very hard to win the battle.. even though she's merely armed with her inner strength. That justifies why I have to be with her almost every day. My instinct tells that she needs people close to her to elevate her strength which is at current, slowly defeating.

This week - no home leave for her. She is too weak ... She needs what she deserves more - a peace of mind.

She is tired, mind, body and soul..
She is fighting ...

We are continuously praying
and hoping ...
... for a good ending. 

 Get Well soon Mak ...
We miss the old you...

To ERR is HUMAN

Today is the day when everything went wrong...

am..
It was raining heavily.
Rushed to Lil' Tots sending Amir ... something that I have not been doing for quite some time...
Then, on the road ....
Cut it short the meeting went well but issues were not handled that well...
Its damn crazy to understand how unwise some people can be sometimes!
As I was wearing non bullet proof vest and armoured with merely honesty - I was shot down bluntly with no mercy at all!
Alhamdulillah...

noon..
Oya requested to be excused from her assigned duty during weekend.
I was cruel - my answer was no. But that was the fact!
Frankly I understand her situation ... done that... been there...
It's painstakingly stress - welcome to the club!!!
Promised her my roster is coming soon.. Just hang on there..
'Its the most sweetest thing that you are doing for her' - a persuasion used on Oya...

pm..
Rushed to visit her.
Was not with her yesterday.
Still weak, fever, lost of apetite..
Saw that she is on drip again
Nature's call should be 'entertained' immediately... Couldn't really control her bladder and bowels...
One of the after effects... not a prolong one (I hope)
Prof Fuad said, tomorrow she will have to undergo brachy ...
Will be paralysed from hip below..
I pray everything goes well.

pm..
Still at HUKM.
Her other half was not in good condition
Wanted to see him yesterday...but didnt manage...
Ed called - He has high fever, couldn't walk...
Fell down in the kitchen..
Rushed back home..
There he was...lying ...
Talked to him with a trembled voice..
Please get well soon...
Can't afford to have 'you both' like this at the moment..
Again, I am lost in my own deep emotions..

All of sudden, the feeling of hopeless embraced me ...
Not wanting to question anything...
Perhaps this is/are merely a test/tests
As I am only human
and to err is human...

Wisdom RULES

Sometimes when your minds are cramped with so many things ....
Swamped with unpredicatable situations ....... that are beyond your control ....
All you might want to do is to hide yourself...run away.. and breaking yourself free...from the chain of emotions..

All I would want to do now is to fly high and to run far ..
.. But for how long... how far can I run... and how high can I fly...

Sometimes, you would want people to understand you,read your feelings...what you are going through... but seldom you earn that in reciprocal...as each of us is different and unique in our own ways...

I'm not quitting though..
But being human, its natural to be in denial ...initially..
Its permissable to run, fly and whatever the cause maybe..for the sake of escapism..


Until one day difficulties develop the strong!
Until one fine day wisdom rules!
Something that I am still searching within me...

New term - an after effect ...

We have just completed one of our yearly nightmares. Audit!
Well as usual we had some findings that need to be further discussed ... with the hope that all would be dropped (how I wish!) during the exit meeting.

I"ve been questioned in a so called friendly audit interview.... which is normal as they wanna make sure processes are complied with. Of coz there were situations of defence, explanation and admission!

Almost all of us in the division can now put the smile back on our face....
We can now breathe in (and out) with a big relief...
This exercise was the first for one of our new kids on the block (hahahah) - Nuja!
I guess she was over excited over what happened during Audit visit.
Even though she was not directly involved in any of the friendly interviews but she was overwhelmed!
Today during lunch, she discovered a new term - fedit aunding!!!!! 
... which actually means audit finding ....
Nuja .... Nuja.... (geleng kepala!!!)

Thanks Dude!

'What's the purpose of sharing what I'm facing now with other people if I know the most that these people can do is to be shoulders to cry on... or at least ease and release my tense only for that moment' .... I snapped !!!

But I was totally wrong. I didnt realise that I was talking to an elderly person who has a lot of experience in life ....  more than I have.. who has been looked  upon for his skills that can't be matched ..at the moment...

I have to say this...it opens my eyes and my heart after talking to him...
He made me see what I can't see or obviously what I have been refusing to see..
He made me think on matters and issues that I thought very petty but indeed very vital...
He made me realised that love has no reason..
It runs deep and deeper each day ...
And that I should be thankful to GOD for giving me the ability to think what's the best for people whom I love for the rest of my life.

Thanks Dude!

She's an ANGEL ...

I felt guilty.. as I was the one who really suggested that she should go back for home leave.
Without knowing or taking into consideration that she had spent the whole day (friday) doing her chemo treatment as well as the radiation.

She was extremely fatigue! For 2 days she was on bed, lying and sleeping...
Was with her just now, after work for about half an hour. Could sense that she is emotionally down as well...
Perhaps after what happened... something that I myself couldn't accept..something that she has been carrying with patience throughout her life, with no further questions asked...

We never stop praying .... for she needs all the prayers...
We never stop supporting ..... for she deserves all that...
We never stop motivating...coz she entitles to be inspired....

The wrinkles under her eyes indicate her experience, feelings and thoughts that have never ever been shared out loud.

I feel her...
I understand her ...
I even envy her for the never ending patience ...
For her ever lasting love ...

She's an Angel ..
She's my MOTHER...

Thank GOD for sending women!

A saying goes ....there's always a woman standing tall ....behind a successfull man.
So who's and what's behind a successful woman then? Her man?
Believe me, we may differ in opinion on this.
To me behind a successful woman is her own continuous determination. Fullstop.

Okay to be fair, maybe to some successful woman, her man is part and parcel of her jubilation... without whom she might be able to achieve more! :)

But if you look around you, there are successful women who stand own their own, most of them are either divorced by the man whom they once loved or perhaps left alone by their beloved other halfs..
Obviously they (these women) need no 'physical man' to succeed.

Well women are unique. They are physically week but definitely emotionally strong!
People said women cry, women nag, women are ruled by their emotions...
... without realising they are one of the greatest amongst GOD's creations .....

Undoubtedly, woman is a magnificent creature—a power of benevolence and tolerance, a protector and a provider, an embodiment of love and affection, an epitome of integrity and understanding—all wrapped in one!

Counting Days - Week 3

She has completed 14 RT and 3 Chemo sessions. Had her Chemo on Friday and RT immediately after that. And the after effect - she is extremely fatigue.  Thought she would recover during her home leave...
For 2 days she spent most of her time lying and sleeping. If only I could share what she's experiencing now...as long as she gets back her normal life..

She has another 3 weeks to complete the treatment... Still a long way to go..

At home, there are few things need to be attended in such a subtle way. 
Being human sometimes selfishness dominates us..
Being selfish, without realising we hurt other people..

Sighhhhhh......why is it always a challenge to make people understand and to make people change for good!
God is GREAT!

TGIF !

I always look forward for Fridays... I think everyone is...
Lil' Amir is the most excited person on earth today... (that I know of...)  He's going for an excursion to Pizza Hut! Yes .. to have pizza for lunch and to make his own pizza!!

Oya has left HUKM just now. She is joining her mum to watch her lil' sister Aqilah for an orchestra playing. Aqilah is invloved. I have forgotten what instrument she plays... (Damnnnnn... am I old or what?).

She is alone at HUKM at the moment. Supposed to be on chemo  yesterday but was informed that something wrong with her blood. So chemo is ON today and RT as well later in the evening....and she's coming back home today.

Office? Looks good.... since its Friday...of coz it has to be good...the weekend mood is already there..
Apart from more and more things on the plate to be attended to...there are always stupid morons (pardon for the language) who think they have super power and they are the coolest person on earth... Go and fly kites laaa....

I'm on TRIAL?

When I left her yesterday, I felt so freaking bad.
But I did that for her.
Guilty as charged?
----------------------------------------------------------

Rang her up later in the evening.
Case closed.
Acquitted.

----------------------------------------------------------

She never thought her right was abused or violated.
Her verdict - I was doing the right thing.

Tq Mak!

Before the Chapter ENDS...

All of a sudden I realised that I have been blogging on the Big C for more than one and half months. Well... something that I woud like to be reminded of...something that I would like to document as part and parcel of my life.. Her life as well..

I feel so unsettled ever since this Big C occupies my mind ...what more my life... Often I got carried away...lost in my own deep emotions and see things beyond what's happening at the moment. At times I am calculating or to be more precise - planning and trying to put things in place...just in case...

I am not sure is it me or otherwise.... I often have this scare inside me. Just got the medical report from UKMSC. There was a section that states what would happen if treatment is not done on an urgent basis. The statement on the medical report is short and in one bloody word... Death!

I guess the moment when I've made up my mind (after consulting Prof Fuad on  - costs, side effects, possibility and almost everything ...) was a right move. I guess Prof Fuad was stunt when I asked him lotsa questions and he had to explain one by one ...with patience.  and yes I think this oncologist of hers was also trying his best to explain her condition and the treatment. He even sketched the location of the tumors so that I could understand better.

After decision has been made, I did realise that I should have asked for second opinion. This was even suggested by someone in the family. Again I had this confusion. Holding fast on my decision, we decided to follow thru the advise of Prof Fuad.

And here we are. It has been more than 2 weeks. I have to say that her condition is getting much better even though the symptoms of RT and Chemo are revealing everyday.

Aware on the uncertainty and recurrence, I am confident that she will sail through. At her age now, what she needs is a clear state of mind .....
slices of happiness ......
and heaps of love from the family...
Before the chapter ends.....

A Fate ...

I have been here (Oncology Ward) for almost 2 days. Made acquaitances with people around whom I have to be frank that I dont even know their names at all. Most of the patients, be it males or females are elderly persons.... an indication that early detection on cancer is crucial but most of us deprived our own rights! 


While waiting for her in the toilet, I was approached by a woman (maybe late 40s). From her attire, I know she's not the patient. Apparently it's her other half. "Suami akak ada barah lidah... Dua bulan aritu dah buat RT dan KT. Bila balik JB, dia datang balik". My stupid question to her ' Suami akak boleh cakap' (Derrrr!!!!!??????)  Her reply was " Tak... dah kena buang lidah dia. Doktor kata suami akak yang pertama kena kat Malaysia ni." Before I could ask more stupid questions she added " Dua bulan lepas dah ambik daging kat dada dia tampal kat lidah..."... I didnt ask anymore..speechless ... I thanked my mum for exiting the bathroom just in time!  But I couldnt imagine how they face the situation...

I was replying office emails just now when makcik Minah came back from Brachy... She was temporarily paralysed from hip below. That was her second brachy session (internal radiation). I continued with my tasks when I heard the nurse calling for a help. And I was the only 'healthy' and 'strong' person there while the rests are bedded. I went to Makcik Minah's bed and there she was lying ...helpless... The nurses were trying to shift her from the surgery bed to her own bed. So I had to use all energy that I have to assist them to lift Makcik Minah to her bed. Pity Mck Minah.... She is now on drypers...Ever since she did the RT and brachy her discharge is considered bad.

Ten minutes passed by. Then mum was called for RT session. I saw a man - whom I gotto know that his wife is admitted due to the failure of the liver. I noticed that (from yesterday) he tried to create conversation with me (walawey!!! ..... ) but all I did is merely smile at him. Out of courtesy I did ask about his wife. So, his other half is actually a Captain (army). She had done surgery, RT and Chemo in 2009. It attacks again. Saw his other half walking out from the bathroom with her urine plastics. She is on tube.. (dont know if this is the exact term).

- The Ward -

This ward houses more than 20 patients - a combination of male and female ward. The females supersede the males in terms of qty. And yes obviously most of them are at their golden age... They should be leading a happily life besides their families... unfortunately GOD is GREAT! They win some and they lose some... Mum is not an exception. She is one in the many.

It makes me realise that you will never ever know what gonna happen to you in future ...even in few seconds... You have no total control ... this is something beyond your jurisdition... this is FATE and this is LIFE!

I pray for all these people ...for a healthy cancer free life upon the completion of their medical treatment. I pray for their speedy recovery... I pray that their support system i.e their families are concretely strong to face whatever outcome it would be... as what matters at this very moment is the love and caring for each other apart from the fighting spirit that shouldnt be left unattended at all.

HE ANSWERED me WELL

Its 10.00pm and I am here accompanying her ... She is sleeping soundly... but once a while her face frowned... As if she's running away from something.....

I just couldnt shut my eyes. Lost my uncle last week,He managed to visit her and their last conversation was to pray for each other's good condition. Guess HE knows what's the best for him. His passing was some how a shock to everyone in the family. May he rests in peace.

This morning she thought that she had urine infection. And true enough... she knows her body well. She was on drip just now - antibiotics.

I just need to have a word with her oncologist. Need to know when is the brachytherapy -  its an internal radiotherapy implants where radioactive metal wires, seeds or tubes are put in or close to the tumour.Where are you Prof? Can always 'talk' to him via sms.. but a lot of questions that I think should be wisely discussed face to face....

As it is now, we were informed that the tumor is getting smaller in size... hoping for more good news...
Alhamdulillah... But... why must there always be 'but'.....
I personally think tht her condition is not that consistent. She looks okay today but feel otherwise tomorrow... I am just wondering is it because her body is adapting to the treatment? Is it normal?

For the very fisrt time I forced her to eat her meal. She did ... even though I personally think the intake was insignificant at all!! Well...at least she eats... she needs all the protein and carbo..for the sake of going thru the treatment.

But whatever it is.. its good to hear that she is healing well and the fighting spirit is always at the peak!

Counting Days - Week 2

Week 2 - a hectic one! My anger management was at the lowest degree. Patience was easily slimmed down by some stupidity and adsurdity created by some stupid morons! Am I too fragile... (absolutely NOT!)

She completed her second week bravely. With Prof Dato Fuad's assistance, we managed to bring her down. Now warded at Tengku Ampuan Afzan's onclogy ward.  I learned that this ward is under the collaboration of HUKM and MAKNA.

Her second chemo was a sail through. Deep in my heart I thank GOD for giving her the strength. She looks good physically despite the normal symptoms of nausea, tired, lost of apetite...

After 2 weeks, we brought her back home - Its Home Leave for cancer patients during weekend. Her other half was excited to welcome her back home. Its time for them to reunite!
After all its time for Oya to have a rest as well.... before accelarating herself for more weeks to come!

I REST my CASE!

Looking at her sleeping peacefully, I just wonder why must this happen to her at the age where she should be living happily... No... I’m not trying to question HIM ..  I think the question has no answer at all.

As mentioned before it’s not merely the pain but the agony as well that she has to go through .... It keeps on bugging me every day before I go to sleep or while driving...

Sometimes I wonder was it something that she has done or something that she has not done... To my very own eyes she is the woman of honour. Perfect as a good mother!  What more as an obedient wife! And yet she suffers at her golden age...

People said maybe she’s the chosen one... Chosen as HE knows that she will sail through... that she utters no complaints and that she takes whatever HE gives her... Good or Bad...

Looking at myself, as it is now, if the formula above is scientifically proven, I will not be one of the chosen ones. I am a BIG comparison. 

I lax of those qualities..

No I dont wanna play God ...

I rest my case!

Counting DAYS - Week 1

Wanted to blog earlier, but quite tight with  couple of things. Have had this continuous headache .... Painkillers ? Not a relief at the moment... Guess its the worriness inside me occupies my mind too much.... something which is unavoidable... It remains intact and continues to embed well until I dont know when....

Its been a week. She has went thru five radiations and one chemo. Physically, she looks okay and has no complaint so far.  Thank god Oya has finished her exams and can look after her at the hospital. But every now and then, we have to take turns... she needs rest as well.

Her oncologist, Prof Dato Dr Fuad has been very accommodative so far. Met him once and all this while my conversation with him is via smses.He said its too early to say... but she looks very positive upon commencing the treatment.There are things that Prof Fuad mentioned to her that I consider as keeping her positivity high and continue to be strong.

A week has passed by and she has another four to five weeks to go. That alone keeps me so restless..not wanting to know any possible effects that would be a dominant factor against her current condition. I just hope that the positivity that she has now would encourage her to complete the cycle.... no matter what happen.

As it is now...I am counting days...for her to sail thru her treatment...
For her to go back and enjoy her normal life...

... yes I am aware the uncertainty is still there....
Currently relies on her progress ... indicatively very promising ...
...keeping my spirit high...for HER!