Have u been in a state of confusion?
Its frustrating as you do not know where your stand is. Or u might know your stand but some other third party keep on confusing you..
Sighhhhh...
Anyways.. whatever it is i.am.just being me and myself. People can chew me in or spit me out... but there is this part of me that no one can ever challenge ... its my dignity!
So long peeps!
It has been 4 days since you left us abah. Makin hari makin terasa..
I am just worry about mak. She has been so strong since u were first admitted. But i think you know her better.. she is crying badly inside. She is just hiding the sorrow ... the emptiness deep down inside her heart.
Imagine.. 50 years sharing life together... it cant be shut down just like that..in a blink of an eye..
I truly feel her...but i know the missing feeling that i have towards you is nothing compared to hers.
I saw her crying yesterday just after she finished her zuhr prayer as she walked out the prayer room. I was so touched.. i hugged her and calmed her down. At the same time i was trying to control my shattering emotions.
Why you have been badly missed abah?
You went too soon. Yes ..it was fated. Its qada n qadr. You were admitted at 11.30pm, 29 sept 2014. The following day you were sedated and pushed to ICU. Your body didnt response to the meds given by the docs. 4 meds were injected to your body at one go. On 1 Oct 2014, i sneeked to recite yaasin for you. The staff nurse didnt allow me to do so. But i bagged her only for a while. I kissed your cheek. I rubbed your forehead. I kissed your hands. I touched your feet. Sighhhhhh... you were so cold at that time. But your face was at peace.
You left us at 3.15pm on the very day, an hour after i recited yaasin for you. I didnt know what to say or what to feel when Jo called and informed me " Abah dah takde". There was a vibration in his voice. Mak was so calm.. she has the heart of steel.
Resting your body in peace was not a hassle at all abah. Everything went so smooth. As per your request all was done on the same day. To fulfill mak's request.. we had the last prayer at home.
Know what... many of our relatives were unintentionally deprived of saying the final goodbye to you. But we couldnt help it.
Everything happened too fast. Your unwellness.. your admission and your leaving us for good... it happened too fast abah...
If i were an angel and given a magic stick, how i wish if i could turn back the clock...
May you rest in peace....
Finally, you have joined Azmin....
Till we meet again abah...
We miss you
We love you
You are always the Hero in our hearts..
Saat aku menulis entri ni keadaan abah masih kritikal.. dalan ICU. Dah dua kali aku jenguk dia dalam ICU semalam. Harini aku tak sempat pergi lagi. Temankan mak yang sorang kat rumah. Dah dua malam aku tidur temankan mak kat umah dia. Bila abah takde rasa sunyi plak kat umah tu. Ye lah dulu masa kecik kecik kitorang 4 beradik rasa macam kecik je umah ni. Bila dah kerja abah ngn mak besarkan rumah. So aku dapat la merasa dapat bilik aku sendiri...yang lain tu kenalah share. Bukan la aku ni anak emas..tp disbbkan sorang je perempuan.. so adatlah kan. Takkan lah nak share ngan abang dan adik2 aku pulak. Huh!!
Bila masing masing dah kawin umah ni masih lagi nampak serinya sebab anak buah aku Oya tinggal ngan abah n mak. Lepas arwah Azmin (abang sulung aku ) meninggal makin hari makin sayu aku tgk umah ni... sebab mungkin dah kurang lepas satu satu ahlinya.
Semalam masa tidur ngan mak..dah nak subuh camtu mak mengigau. Aku yg tak lena tido semenjak dua menjak ni kejutkan mak. Migraine aku semenjak abah masuk hospital tak baik baik. Malam tadi aku telan gak sinflex sbb aku dah tak tahan. Kesian aku tengok mak. Aku tau mak cekal dan tabah tapi... ye lah suami dia..kesedihan tu memang nampak from every part of her.
Semalam masa kat luar wad ICU mak kata bulan okt ni harijadi abah yang ke 78. Diam tak diam dah 50 tahun mak hidup ngan abah. Aku salute kat mak ngan abah. Bukan aku kata diorang ni couple yang loving but they are a perfect combo. I can say that theirs are those of a classic marriage. They cry, they laugh, they quarrel and they love each other ... but still they maintain the institution and live life to the fullest!
I just dont know whats wrong with abah lately. Dah almost 2 months dia takde selera nak makan. Puaslah mak dan anak menantu masak mcm mcm. Tapi selera dia masih takde. Bawak pergi check doc kata takde apa apa. Sampailah dua hari lepas bila mak kata dia komplen sakit perut. Petang Isnin aku sempat jenguk kejap sebelum balik umah. Nampak abah tak banyak cakap. Semenjak abah dah on wheel chair ni pun dia jarang bercakap jugaklah. Aku tya abah ok ke. Dia angguk je tapi tak pandang pun muka aku. Pastu aku tgk dia masuk bilik air. Pembantu mak aku tolak dia ke bilik air.
Mulanya aku ingat abah sakit perut biasa. Ed yg hntr abah kat emergency wad. At least doc buat thorough check up. Mlm tu aku ambik mak ddk umah aku sementara tunggu abah balik. Dalam kul 11.30 mlm aku cakap kat mak jomlah balik. Aku temankan mak. Esok aku terus gi keje dr rumah mak.
Aku tengah meeting bila Jo hntr msg. Suh aku balik sbb tetiba abah sesak nafas n doc tk dpt reading bp dia. Aku takleh nk kluar mtg sbb aku yg chair the mtg. Makin lama msg jo makin serius. I ended the mtg on time and lepas informed madame..aku terus chiow. Aku sempat dengar madame jerit kat aku drive carefully.
Sepanjang jln minda aku kosong. Aku rasa mcm jiwa aku melayang.
Aku teringat masa arwah Azmin mrninggal dulu...macam ni lah aku drive sesorang. Nk sampai umah.. aku call ed..tya mak dah tau ke condition abah. Ed kata mak tak tau lagi. dahhhh aku kena bagi tau mak plak.
Aku tukar baju terus gi umah mak. Mr H tak keje so dia drive. Aku citer tak byk ngn mak sbb tknk dia risau. Sampai hospital ... there he is... the hero of my life... hancur luluh rasanya tgk abah camtu. Tiub and wire kat mulut...kat badan...
Doc panggil aku adik bradik ngn mak and explained on his condition. He is vry critical kata doc. Nk buat emergency ops. Abah was sedated and put to sleep.
Ptg tu doc kata his condition is not stable to peform ops. So kena masuk ICU. Sblm tu aku sempat cium pipi abah...cium tangan abah.. deep in my heart janganlah ni jadi ciuman or pelukan last aku kat abah. Sampai sekarang aku masih terbau bau abah. Sedih bercampur dengan harapan supaya abah ada semangat nak lawan.
Lama aku nk tgu abah kena transfer to ICU. Tak sedap hati aku naik balik ke katil abah. Masa tu kali kedua aku rasa perasaan aku disiat siat sbb tgk doc cucuk sana sini.. masuk tiub dalm mulut abah..mata aku berpinar pinar tgk diorang buat abah camtu. Aku rasa doc tu perasan aku ada ..pastu dia tarik tirai tak bagi aku tgk. Lps tu aku terus turun. Aku ckp diorang tgh buat ultra sound and n xray skali lagi.. tp apa yg jadi dpn mata aku tadi masih terbayang2.
Lps maghrib aku ambik mak n pergi ke wad icu sbb Jo kt doc dah jumpa dia.
His condition is deteriorating actually. Internal organs hv bn affected. No ops can be done if his condition is like now. Mak hss bn very positive... i think she is strong and yes she is !
I am praying hard... very hard.
My brothers are super cool.
Me? I am super duper sensitive.
I just want this to end..no matter how.
This is a dejavu!
