ReAdY for thE truTH?

Woke up at 4am today ... gotta flight to catch at 7am. Another round of meeting on ssp. This time round it will be at Kedah/Perlis.

I wanted to laugh out loud when i was asked to take off my boots just because the sensor made an alarm when i crossed the inspection line/ the check point. Yup it looked awkward... luckily the boots were shiny enuf not to make me looked like a fool.

A colleague of mine snapped pics on me without shoes.. which i thot sumthin that needs to be shared..

The air craft was on time indeed/ in accordance with the schedule.  For quick bfast.. I had my favourite half boiled eggs at the nearest kopitiam. Something that could make me awake i hope..

Boarded.. and upon took off my mind was narrowed down to those passengers and crew of mh370. All of a sudden i had this fear inside me.. i even asked myself am i afraid to die? Not ready to leave my loved ones or simply a reminder...
The truth is...as i always believe.. when the time comes..nothing on this world can stop you from death... its definite.. the only question is how ready are we...

...something to ponder upon i guess but of coz it works as a reminder..not a soft one but i think we all know.

Being air asia.. i guess this is not a general statement..but i qualified it  based on my own experience. The flight was delayed for almost 2 hours. During the ' flying back' a couple of turbulences welcomed us on air.... that made me thought of mh370 again. As all we malaysians wish... its my wish as well to learn  that they are safe wherever they are. If i were to be one of the relatives... being human... i would be frustrated...yes by not knowing the true cause of the incident.. with a hope that everything will soon be answered. And when once unveiled again...are we ready to face and accept the truth... ( i am sure the truth is always disheartening...)

A fLasHBaCk

It is saturday evening. The smell of after rain probed me to flashback. I have been missing him lately. It has been 12 years since he left us. 29 march always ripped my heart apart ... that was the day, the moment he left us.  I know its an absurdity of mine... i am always wanting to receive a reply from an email that i sent to him 3 days before his passing. An email that described what had happened to him and a request for him from his only sister (me) to reply the  email once he' s back on his feet again.

And... yes i didnt receive any email from him after that....

'Missing someone and not being able to see them is the worst feeling ever' (status update in fb) was actually meant to express how much i missed him... 12 years.. i could only 'see' him in the circles of memories.. but i couldnt touch him.. talk to him... hold his hands..

One of his traces in life that he left for us is his 2 girls... oya n qilla. I have wrote something on oya ... 'life without a father' .. an entry in my blog that i wrote emotionally while weeping and sheding tears. Perhaps being the eye witness on what exactly happened to oya on 29 march was like a plot of a film. It ran thru my eyes and mind clear and fresh!

And its always oya who came into picture when i listened to one of celine dion's number ..'dance with my father'. Its a track of flashing back and rewinding of moments while he was still around with us...a month before he left us for good.

Why oya? She is his daughter who has spent her childhood with us.. she can either be my sister and even my daughter. She is the eldest grand child. Watching her grown up without a father at times touches my sensitivity.  I can feel that its tough to have not having a father around. Even now... at my age now i could not imagine to have not having my dad besides us even though i know and keep on reminding myself  the day will come... ( and we never know who is first to be "summoned" by HIM).

Well perhaps this (on missing him) is one of the reasons that forced me to be sensitive lately.. react impulsively...

Allah is great. As i always penned down in most of my entries.. HE knows what is the best for each and everyone of us. Everything happened for a reason which we might or cant even think of... and ov coz with blessings in disguise secretly embeded into it until one fine day we realise..and we think that is an epiphany!

To my late brother Azmin, i still miss you and will always love you for the rest of my life.

May you rest peacefully... till we meet again... the day when we will  be reunited.

Amin..ya rabbal alamin.

WhaT a DAy

Life has been very hectic lately. Travelling out stations are routines nowadays. Sometimes i feel that i am not being fair to my lil' kiddo Amir ... what more my other half! But what choice do i have? I am glad as both of them consider my routine absence as a duty that is expected out of me. Glad that the 'father & son' bonding has made both of them very close and something that i always look upon..for my other half has been the constant helping hand to manage this kiddo...

I always tell myself i should make up the times that i have missed with both of them. But at the rate i am going now i cant really anticipate the exact moment. Am i being selfish or what?

Today is one of those hectic days. Like other days, the scheduled meetings coupled with ad hoc requests have always left me with undescribed tiredness..mentally and phyisically..

Today .... I was taken a back.. when my one and only lil kiddo told me ... " amir suka bantal ni sebab ada bau rambut mak... " he held the pillow tight..with his shining eyes staring at me..

Clueless... speechless ... it touched me so deep. I have the feeling that what this lil.kiddo wanted to express was..." i miss u a lot and i want u to always be by my side"....

Only God knows how much i want that too my dear son...

I wept quietly then...

ViCtImiSeD!

Have you ever feel that you have been victim..ised?  Often? Maybe? All the times?

I think this is a feeling or a situation that everyone face/has been facing in our daily life. Something that can't be avoided... something that ..being human you tend to be one of the victims or perhaps who finds victims!

But being human is not a valid excuse though to act as such... (am I being super duper perfect?) But still we have no right (in my own definition on law of emotions) to find baits to release our dissatisfaction, anger, hatred and etc...

Why am I writing this? Because I think lately I am the loser.. being victimised due to unnecessary or unknown causes. The more you keep yourself in control and sober, the more people hit you and push you to the wall. Yes I didn't react ... Thinking rationally, I think I would be putting myself to the lowest degree a.k.a to the same level of mentality of those irrational and inconsiderate people.

But how to avoid this people? My take... let them be... Leave them with their childish attitude and immaturity... To me this people will never changed. They are the kind of people that God has created as a test.. to measure one's steadfast..ness, patience ...

Being someone who finds that being a victim is a part of our daily life, it often gets to my nerve. Sometimes i react defensively... sometimes I let it be. I guess this is a nature of us..being human...even though I have stressed myself that being human confers us no legitimate right to act as such.

As for me, I have been trying my level best not to snap on other people due to some internal problems. Its not that easy. The more/ the harder you try, the more it comes to you. I believe we can only avoid being victimised and avoid ourselves to find victims in phases... We couldn't do it in a spur of a moment, in  a blink of eye or not even a day ... It comes through experience in life.

The wiser we are... the better person we would be.