YoU R EveRyThinG to ME.

These pics are long time overdue.
The first time I saw him in those actions below, I was about to cry....
He has grown up to be a cute lil' boy...
Well frankly I missed all those days ...
Those days when he first learned to crawl, to jump, to giggle ...
He is the only apple of my eyes...
He is the madu and racun
He is everything to me!

 




With his Lil Tot's friends ... the first time I saw him 'dancing'.

He'll be leaving his Lil Tots soon...
Something that I am fear of..
Fear of the new friends that he will meet
Fear of the so called influence...
...so many fears that I wouldn't want to imagine..

Tak hafal steps...tengok kawan sebelah.

 

 

Hey nasik goreng ...hey bubur kacang ....

Joget Lagu Melayu - Ala payung la payung ketipang payung....

                               The lead dancer...

A tribute to P Ramlee - Story of Haji Bakhil's maids...

 

 

 

If only I could turn back the clock..
These were some of the moments that I would like to rewind over and over again ...

We WeRe At The PeAK!

I've listened to some of the songs from an Indon group by the name of Wali ....
For about 3 days I've been listening to the same songs... and I think I kinda like one or two songs sang by this group...

Well... that was the only entertainment that I could listen to on the road... Thank God ada Wali... kalau tak... ??? and perhaps that was the only CD that Wahyu has in his mpv!

From Kawah Putih to Punchak... according to Wahyu will take few hours. I didnt really bother at first since I was not the one driving... heheheh...

But again, to avoid terrible traffic jam (as it was weekend), Wahyu didnt take the highway... but instead he took the normal road heading to Jakarta. Well.... I had to salute this guy... he didnt even smoke while driving.. All 3 of us slept like nobody business... (I pity him for that at last...). But there was nothing that we could do...

The scenery around the village during our journey to Punchak reminded me of my journey to Agra and Jaipur, India. This country (from what I noticed with my own naked eyes) was lacked of basic infra. The road, the town planning ...it was just haywire to me... But still the people can live and continue with their living... Or maybe they are used to it... Someone told me before... dont get used to something... It will make you no better person... banking on this situation, I think they are deprived of their basic needs as citizens...

According to Wahyu... some community even raised their own fund to get the road properly paved and maintained. Where is the relevant party/ authority then? Only God knows. At this point I am glad that I am Malaysian.. something that I never ever regret for the rest of my life!

We had lunch at another Sundanese restaurant. This time round, we requested Wahyu to join us ... even though he was at first very reluctant. We ordered fish, chicken, vege... all  to be cooked and served in Sundanese style... After the 3rd day, I concluded that I will never like Sundanese food... Not to my taste at all...

We took the opportunity to get to know each other better with out tour guide who like to talk to Amir and make jokes with that kiddo as well.

After lunch we continued our journey to the peak. I saw Wahyu fagged.... to take away all the stress maybe while driving just now. It was not only the road but the traffic as well ... it was a double night mares.

We reached at the top at 7.00pm. Hotel Surya Indah... the place is as beautiful as its name..
Cold and freezing...
Nyaman sekali...

Take a sneak peak at the photos below:

Taichi act 1.

Not so taichi...

Another movement ...

"Nak bagi Anis " (his cousin sister) ...he said...

The chalets...

A shot from Amir

We traveled down back to Bandung after staying over night at Punchak.
It was a tiring journey but a good one.
This time, our trip to Bandung has no shopping as one of the itineraries..
Yup we did it...
Amir was the one who really enjoyed the trip..
We were amazed that he behaved himself...
But too bad...
I had flu..once we landed..
and Hub fell...on the very first night!

StoNe CoLD !

At Kawah Putih...

Hahahah... the title of the entry has nothing got to do with this post except... the word CoLd...


 We were at Kawah Putih on our 3rd day. Before arriving Kawah Putih, Wahyu took us to Cibaduyut ( a place where all kinda leather is offered).

Nice place.. I have been here once... but this time round I really appreciate this place. Maybe that was the reason why I bought myself a new luggage... hahahah...  What a lame excuse eh?

Before going down to Kawah Putih.

We arrived Kawah Putih at about 10.30 am. Wahyu bought us the tickets for the shuttle. I wonder why most of the places that we visited was very cold... and it was about to rain as well...

We bought face masks once arrived as the smell of the sulfur was a bit disturbing especially to Amir; He kept on closing his nose...

Amir with his face mask on...  

Kawah Putih is an area of non active volcano..
The area was hazed and the water was a bit warm...
There were few sign boards not allowing visitors to swim...
hahahah... I wonder who would even wanna swim there...





More photos....

Nothing much to see at Kawah Putih except for the haze, the cooling and breezing weather...
I"ve never thought that Indon has such good places to visit.
I think this time round my trip to Bandung is worth ... the money, the journey and the experience...

TraNs StuDIo .. HeRe We CoME!

Telling the truth, I had a good sleep.
Woke up in the next morning, I felt so fresh and good!

The breakfast was good. Not so many choice given but okay to have at least something to eat in the morning. Had a chat with a couple from UK. they were worried sick looking at my watch ... thought they  were late .. hahahah... Told them not to worry coz I didnt change the timing... At Bandung we were late by an hour compared to KL. They were relieved...

Amir had his toast... with choc rice! I had a lil bit of noodle. And followed with the meds.
"Sudah sihat kakak ?" the first sentence that came from Wahyu... I just smiled indicating that I am okay... though I know the cough will  continue. I have lost my voice due to the bad coughing. Hey... I am still alive... hahahha!

At the entrance of the hotel, hawkers were getting readied with items that they wanted to sell on hands once we went out the hotel. We managed to pass by... This is a normal scene in Bandung.

"Wah hari ini pastinya untuk Amir ya!" Wahyu started the conversation with us while driving. I noticed that he began to like Amir. Maybe because he has a daughter aged the same with Amir.

Yup we headed to Trans Studio on the second day. The traffic was clear. Maybe at that hour (around 830 am in the morning) traffic was not a night mare.

It was not that hassle to reach Trans Studio Bandung. By 9.00 am we were there. Again we had latte and cappuccino as another round of bfast at Coffee Bean-  at the entrance of Trans Studio while waiting for Wahyu to get us the tickets. 

At the entrance of Trans Studio

Excited Amir kept on asking what could he played and when can we enter the place. Wahyu passed us two cards to enter. Obviously he was not sure how was the games facilitated inside. His honest reply by stating that he cant afford to bring his daughter to Trans Studio touched me... I looked at myself and Amir and Hub... we came all the way for this... In life we dont know what's for us in the future. I just hope and pray that this young chap will be able to give basic education, shelter and love for his family. Looking at him and talking to him ... I think he works hard to ensure that his ends meet.




Some pics taken at Trans Studio.

I can't remember this place...

After a ride on racing track..

Other pics were taken by the those people in Trans Studio. Amir had these few games:
1. Racing Track
2. Super Hero 4D Simulator (this was superb! it was really a 4D movie ... I could even feel the water splashed! yes we were wet!)
3. Dunia Si Bolang
4. Dunia Anak Anak
5. Pirate Boat
6. Adventure of Africa

The rest are more adventurous and not suitable for Amir'a age. But we were satisfied as Amir really had fun and enjoyed every single ride.  The only set off was when we cancelled our entry to Dunia Lain - a haunted and world full of magics -.. I have to admit even i myself was a bit skeptical to enter... I could feel that it was so eerie.. and serammmmm....

With 3 tickets worth 450,000 rupiah (included in the tour) u can ride any games or watch any movie...all that they provide inside Trans Studio. But you have to top up or reload if you wanna buy food, drinks and photos that they have taken for you.

We spent about 350,000 rupiah to buy all photos and for some snacks. But over all it was a good entertainment for Amir. That's the only thing that matters to us.

We left Trans Studio at 3.00pm.
Headed to Toko 3 for some jeans.

It was raining ... again.
After Toko 3, I told Wahyu if he can drop me at Rumah Mode. 'Boleh saja kakak.

The traffic was bad as it was Friday.  It took us about 2 hours to reach Rumah Mode.
Nothing interesting though... got Amir a pair of H& M Pyjama and Hub's Tshirts.
Mine? Nothing interesting...

As usual we called a day off for Wahyu once we reached the hotel.
That nite we had Chinese and seafood for dinner
Not bad....

We reached the hotel around 10pm and I need to pack.
Tomorrow we will be heading to Punchak, another high peak and cold place to visit ...
It will be a very lonnggg journey.

fLu ..Go AwaY

Just got back from a vacation...
Badly need one...
But had fever once I landed in Bandung.

Amir was so excited. His first trip oversea and on the plane!
Knowing him, he could not sit still for 2 hours on the flight.. kept on talking and talking until we touched down.

The weather in Bandung was not bad... cooling and breezy. When I waited for the luggage, I could feel that my body shivered and beginning to feel that I will catch flu and cough ..as well... Amir n hubby were rushing to the loo... as If I was not... Haiyooo...

Once I passed through the arrival gate, I was looking for someone maybe middle 40s by the name of Pak Wahyu... our so called tour guide... but I saw no one holding a poster with my name on it. I just passed through until the end. Was looking for hubby and Amir, then finally I saw my father's name ARIFFIN at one of the pillars hold by someone... ARIDA was blocked by another pillar... heheheh

Pak Wahyu, the middle 40s aged tour guide whom I imagined was actually a young chap aged maybe middle 30s... how name can be so deceive-ful on the net! hahahaha..

So the trip was always began with.... yes... makan!!! We had our bfast on the flight earlier but hey... let's eat some more... Wahyu (since he is only in his middle 30s (i think) ...so calling him Pak.was ridiculous.. When we called him Wahyu instead he didn't address us as Bapak and Ibuk... suddenly he changed to Abang and Kakak... hahahahah!

Refreshing honey lemon tea

Dim Sum in the morning at Kartika's

I could feel that my body was beginning to succumb  to the flu...even though my mind was still controlling... We had an early dim sum at Kartika Sari's food court. A quick one,  then we left for our first 'adventure' - Tangkuban Prahu.

It was raining on our way to Tangkuban Prahu. I didnt miss the opportunity to take a nap. So did Amir and Hub. Reaching the the top... the haze was terrible... couldn't see anything and yes it was raining.

Suddenly I felt like I was in India... we were surrounded by hawkers selling souvenirs, blue berries, strawberries and etc...Amir looked so lost...hahahah...
I managed to say no to the hawkers politely and escaped without spending any rupiah .... yet ...what a good start! We couldnt see anything... The weather was so cold..freezing... my mind was still controlling ... 'say No to FLu!... or Flu Go Away...

We were not long there as the area was so packed and I couldnt even capture anything in the freezing whether. Hub showed the sign to go back to the mpv as it was then started to rain heavily. O... btw, we had to pay 20,000 rupiah for the 2 umbrellas that we used. Cheap? I dont know..

After Tangkuban Prahu we headed to Sari Ater Hot Spring. Still raining. If it was not because of Amir, I would have stayed in the mpv instead. But this was his vacation... We went to one of the hot springs and Amir was so eager to rest his legs in the warm water. Shaded under an umbrella both of us soaked our legs then..... Amir was excited with the warm water. He even wanted to swim... oh come on......!!!!! it was raining Amir... I told him... "nanti demam"... Actually I was talking to myself....

Sari Ater Hot Spring

Busy taking off his socks...

I could feel that I cant control the freezing inside me. Told Hub that we need to stop by...to get medicines for my flu and fever. What a holiday to start with????/!!!!!! Prompted Wahyu to stop at any pharmacy.
Got myself a stripe of flu capsules and a bottle of cough syrup. The first day went all wrong when the cap of the bottle cant be opened. God... what wrong have I done!!!

I was not even nodding to Wahyu's statement that he wanted to bring us to Kampung Daun - a nice place that serves Sundanese food. Whatever Wahyu.... All I ever wanted there and then was to have a place to lay down.

At Kpg Daun...

Our journey to Kg Daun was like a 4 x 4 jungle trekking. The road was terrible. We even passed by an alternative area ... an elite housing area I guess... but still the road is badly paved or paved but badly maintained.
Finally we reached Kg Daun. True enuf the place is so nyamanaa.... cooling.... and peaceful. Wahyu booked for us a small cottage. That cottage was i think suitable for at least 8 pax with pillows and cushions. There was a small river besides the cottage. Thumbs up to Wahyu for suggesting this place.

After lunch... mesti ada rokok maaa...

I forced myself to eat and tried to take a rest by napping. But Amir was busy running around and jumping up and down. So rest was only something that I planned... :)

Food was good if I am okay... But I only took rice and gurame fish soup.
If I was not having fever, I would have walked to the peak and capture some beautiful pics at the top. Wahyu said the scenery at the peak is so scenic!
It started raining again and I managed to take few shots with my S3.

"Nah ke mana kita skarang abang, kakak".
"Massage Wahyu" - that was my response ...
Well I need that and I guess Hub needs that as well.

"Kita ke Muryati saja" replied Wahyu...
"Apa apa saja la Wahyu" Hub responded on my behalf.

We had 2 hour good aromatherapy massage. Amir stayed put as the Galaxy tab was with him... if not he would have bugging us...
It was 630pm when we told Wahyu that we need to check in. Our day started as early as 3.00 am...

Our hotel - Serena Hotel - was located in the hut of the city... we could hear the landing and the take off of the planes...

We called the day off by telling Wahyu that we will manage our dinner on our own. But he insisted that we should call him for anything.

We need a rest...
I need to have a good rest.... to fight the flu
So did him.
we have another 3 days with full itinerary....
[to be continued]

My HeaRt WeePs

I was doing some office stuff just now..
Eyes were glued on the TV...watching those politicians deliberating their opinions and thoughts with very forceful voice. I don't really follow all these political issues. Enuf said.. I am aware that now all of them be it the alliance, the opposition etc..are busy strategizing... My only hope as one of the many citizens in this multi racial country, I vote for a peaceful country where everyone no matter what their races and beliefs are, be treated with equality and that none of us will be deprived of our basic needs in life as human ......

That's not the reason why I am writing this entry. I was actually touched by a song ...sang by one of those Malays...after speaking his mind at the podium.
I didnt realise that I wept too.

This song, was once a song that we sang at GPMS (Gabungan Pelajar Melayu Semenanjung) assembly.
It touches my heart as it really reflects what happened to us before and even now,,,
I am no politician but  I think that  gentleman who sang that song is saddened  for so many valid reasons....

The melody is soft....but the lyrics ..touches your heart (only to those who really understands...perhaps)..
Flashing back... used to sing this together with late Azmin during our school days...
well... down memory lane... the good old days are over..

WARISAN

Anak kecil main api
Terbakar hatinya yang sepi
Air mata darah bercampur keringat
Bumi dipijak milik orang

Nenek moyang kaya-raya
Tergadai seluruh harta benda
Akibat sengketa sesamalah kita
Cinta lenyap di arus zaman

Indahnya bumi kita ini
Warisan berkurun lamanya
Hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain
Peribumi merintih sendiri

Masa depan sungguh kelam
Kan lenyap peristiwa semalam
Tertutuplah hati terkunci mati
Maruah peribadi dah hilang

Kini kita cuma tinggal kuasa
Yang akan menentukan bangsa
Bersatulah hati bersama berbakti
Pulih kembali harga diri

Kita sudah tiada masa
Majulah dengan gagah perkasa
Janganlah terlalai teruskan usaha
Melayu kan gagah di Nusantara
 

Melayu kan gagah di Nusantara
Melayu kan gagah di Nusantara…

DepriVed and BalanCE

Its raining since 6am... and its Saturday... I should have compensated all my deprived sleeps...
But if I do that I foresee I will be deprived of some other things which I valued most in my life.

I treated Santana a well fed lunch yesterday. This fella seldom takes lunch. He always look forward to enjoy his 'happy hour' .. Since it was Friday and we had a long lunch, I forced him to go lunch with me and Nojah.

Chilis was the chosen place. I brought a long with me a document on an alleged claim to study while having lunch and a doc of Santana's...  Derrrr???? during lunch? On Friday? I must be out of my mind. But I was left with the only choice...So lets kill two birds with one stone. Eat and Work at the same time.

Chilis being Chilis, we had to wait about 20 mins before we were ushered to the dining table. Nojah was given the privilege to choose the food from the menu. I started to review the doc given to me. The moment i saw the first tagline... I laughed... and asked Santana... 'U didn't have enuf cuti is it for your deepavali' ... Being Santana... he didnt understand until i showed the spelling mistakes. We had a good laugh.... something that I have not been deprived of !!!!! hahahhahaha...laugh!!!! Putrajaya was spelt Putrayaya... I know he didnt do that on purpose... Sometimes we have so many things in our plate that incidentally caused such things to happen. No one's perfect.....

I wanted to go thru the other doc... with nearly RMxxxxx Mil alleged claims, but then came the food. So food first then... Nowadays works have to be done//settled in between lunch/bfast/ while waiting your turn to see the Boss. So time management is very crucial. I even had to climb the stairs from Level 14 to Level 20 just becoz the Boss summoned for me. Lost my breath ! Nasib bail tak pengsan.

'Ey the food here comes in big portion la... Now I am really full" ..I was glad that Santana enjoyed the food. With Santana, you can talk almost anything under the sky. Being a senior who have been serving the bank (loyalty counts) for many years, he is a man whom I looked for and upon for some precious advice in life...
He reads a lot and tell the truth sometimes I just asked him what's happening around the world, he relays and narrates everything to me. The only thing is that I dont know if he lies to me.... hahahahh... But being a man who regards honor, integrity and trust as the integral part of one's life, he failed to do that. and I dont think he even try to do that ... Sorry Santana...... hahahahahah!!!!

I offered him coffee after lunch... he refused. I asked him again " You want beer? or tequila or whatever la...." He laughed and laughed. Well.. I am most sincere when I am with him not affirming that I am insincere with others... but I am the real person (my true self) -even shared with him my sorrows, my happiness, my fear, my anger, my thoughts and even my goals.

While Nojah was busy finishing the food, he asked both of us a question " Are you the same person when you are at home" ... hallamak.... dia dah bersuara....!!!! hehehhehe..
He looked at me and that was actually a sign I have to say something...
My answer was this:

"Frankly, I missed my old days... but I know its due to the task that I have on my shoulder now.  Nowadays, sometimes when I reached home, Amir has fallen asleep and my husband is infront of the TV...not watching the TV I guess but wondering when will I arrive home...safe ... in one piece..."

Nojah stopped eating and looked at me.

" Sometimes I think my other half didnt consider at all my situation now... he knows that I leave home as early as 645 am and reach home late than before. At the office, I am grilled to my bone ...have to think, manage, monitor, see the bosses, ups and downs... these are all drying my energy.... When I reach home all I wanna do is to rest. My hubby will then requested me to assist him to do some of his office stuff  ...and that means I am still working when I reach home...'

"This is very tiring. But I never verbalised what I have in mind to my other half. I keep it at the very corner of my heart."  I told Santana n Nojah... I feel bad... I feel I have neglected both the Contractor (my other half) an the Commando (amir). That's why I never said what's inside my heart out loud. I am trying to balance things in life. I know the works now is very demanding... and I am now spending more time at the office. I know what ever it takes, I have to find time for both of them especially Amir who is only 6 and needs my attention."

Santana said "that shows you dried your energy at the office too much... and he did give a piece of advice that forced me to think, evaluate and evaluate ..

Here's what he said - don't love the B...k... love your job!
The B..k will not sacrifice for you.
Your family must comes first.
Yes your job is important but you have to try to balance. Try to be at home at least early. Plan your work.. delegate...


I believe we have to balance..
But I am no superwoman ..
Some one has to sacrifice...
Be it time or money...
At this moment I am trying my best..
Family is still the priority..
Work is still the current focus

Whatever it is, I thank ALLAH for what HE has given me...

I just hope I will be given the strength and never ending energy to go through this ..

Not so IT savvy

Installed this blogspot apps in my mobile.
and written a post on Freedom this morning.
Walawey....tried to upload the entry..
But the post went missing.
It didn't find its way to get published!

Can't rewrite though as the idea came at a spur of moment.
Have to wait for the ilham maaa...
Dont know when ..
where... and how...

So what did I do?
This so called IT savvy confidently uninstalled the apps and reinstalled it again.
Funny eh? Not so sure whether this is the right move..
But worth trying though..
... at least I know it didn't work.

Will try to post something tomorrow via this apps.
Let's see what happen..
And whether I have to do other IT savvy acts or unplanned misfits..of IT!!!

- Adios peeps!-

PlaNNing

This is the single word that I have uttered couple of times today...
Wait... not couple of times... but most of the times...to be exact ...  nothing works until you do as per planned.. of coz a proper planning!

I was a bit (not a bit actually...) disturbed of what happened within the division.
Failure to plan is actually plan to fail... have you heard that before...
Its damn true...

Or if I may add not only plan to fail but also simply putting your 'neck' at stake!
That sounds terrible right?

But it is a good lesson to some people if they see the insights of proper planning.
I am a so so organized person.. or in other words not so organized lah..
But at the rate that I am going now, I cant afford to have that so so attitude of mine reflect my failure to plan.
On a different note, I can't do that alone.
Need the people surrounding to also be more sensitive towards their surrounding..
By now we should have felt the negative vibes...

The key word perhaps is commitment ......
....to be tagged along with responsibility... coupled with proactive..
That equals to a so called perfect human being right? Cruel I am?
Who cares anyway...
Its our turf..


Avoiding to say "I should haves" ...
That implies regret...
That infers unsatisfactorily feelings for not achieving something.
So O ye people... lets move it..
Its time to be on our feet again!

At the end of the day ...Either you take it or leave it.
That sounds definite..
... at the moment!!

OwNerShip

For these past few days I have been thinking about sense of ownership.
You guys have this? or is it merely a noun? (if its a noun lah!)

I have been asking myself do I have that as well...
To certain extend perhaps I do.
But its in depth might varies accordingly ... depending on timing, situation and position.

I think mine is not ownership. Perhaps it is more on responsibility.
Not to brag, but when its required, I did settle most of my tasks at home, late nights maybe.
Not at the office la... Am known to be someone who is very penakut... so don't expect me to stay back late at the office..
I hate procrastination..
Ermmm I think that's the best to describe my sense of ownership.

Some people said I am a panicky. Well to certain extend yes... but of coz you are panic if things are not to your expectation or not done according to specifications or not within the time line.
Because that people will not be answerable. Its me ... so panic is my middle name eh? Not for me to decide... depends ... I am just doing my job and I am so wanting my job to be closed to perfect ... if its not perfect.

On a different note, I know my limits. Being in this working industry for years have justified me with some tactics on when to lay low profile and play truant... and when to be on my feet so that when questioned by the sovereigns, everything is at my finger tips.

But its quite a mess if some people is not either one. Yeah its a challenge. That challenge has been a while....
It is frustrating....
No joke..
I am...

We MadE iT ThroUGH!!

Hey peeps!

I'm celebrating my 16th years of anniversary today. What's so good about that? I'm bragging?
No lah....

To me or rather to both of us (hubby and me), this is another victory of ours...Well not that difficult though to ruin a marriage institution... but its very very damn difficult to make it works for the 16th years...
i wonder how those people before us especially my parents ... to face, go through and overcome problems, differences and etc in marriage... Its not that God must love them so much... but it would rather they must love each other so much I guess...

Love to me frankly, at the age of our marriage now is perhaps secondary. But its still the integral part of a marriage institution. At 16 years of marriage, responsibility comes first. Love is actually shading the responsibility... It takes love to do anything in marriage. But to certain phase of marriage (like mine), its love that makes you want to be responsible, its love that pushes you to take full charge and care for your family.. it takes love to get you going...

On a surface... yeah i know its easier said than done. But its a hell lots of hard work, sacrifices, give and take, understanding and accept your other half just the way he/she is. I have to admit there are weaknesses of each other that each and every couple should accept with open hearts. We are not perfect. Instead we should be completing each other.

Writing like a marriage counselor huh? No.. lahh... This is based on my own experience. If I were to follow my 'young heart', I won't be celebrating my 16th years anniversary... I won't appreciate these 16 challenging years with my other half.  Why? I still believe marriage is a taboo. Its still a sacred institution. You have to know yourself first in order to understand your other half. Not an easy task. I cried, I laughed, I had twisted emotions, i had mixed feelings... and yes i suffered... inside....

But who cares... I still have my hubby around ... for the love, for the care and for the shelter...
My other half, by the name of Md Rafiq Md Nordin - thank you is the best suited word that I can say at the very moment. Thank you for the 16 years... sharing all the love, responsibility, laughter, happiness moments together...

For all those moments that are not mentioned here are for both of us to look back, learn and improve ourselves.
Wooohoooooooo.... we made it through... Looking forward for more exciting years with you!
Happy Anniversary My Love!

NEed A BreAK

Looking forward for a break. Really need them.....

On the other hand.... tasks are increasing...
Positively adopt and adapt these as challenges...

On a positive note ..it builds not merely courage..but also confidence...defeats the weak and develops the strong...

Its mind blogging to realise tht ppl come and go. But the decision isn't mine... like it or not life has to go on. Still believe tht no one is indispensible...

Good luck to me... goodbyes to those who left n leaving soon. Each n everyone of u has touched my life in a very unique manner... n has thought me ..whatever happen u should believe in yourself. U (yourself) r capable to overcome ...come what may... its the determination that counts!

Happy Diwali everyone !

LiFe is SO IndeFInite

Its been a while now. Mum has been frequenting the hospital for her regular check ups. Again, we were caught by surprise last month when the doc detected another lump. But this time round mum was so determined, strong willed without a single tear.. Dad, as usual looked so worried. As for 3 of us, we accepted the news with an open heart. Told mum, not to think so much on what she's facing... all she has to do is to be calm, relax and think positive. I said that with so positive voice.. without realizing i was crying inside. But deep in my heart, I know she will be fine.

Two weeks after that news, we were blessed with another related news. I actually demanded the doc to refer to Prof Fuad for a second opinion. Mum called from the hospital. With a very positive tone she relayed the opinion given by her oncologist. The lump is too small... can be found in each and everyone of us. No need to do any RT or chemo. But mum still has to go for her check ups as usual in case the benign becomes malign. At 71 now, all we want to see is she continues her life for another (the least) 10 good years! As for Dad, being a person who was once very strong physically and mentally, at 75 now, I can see that he is trying his best to become the old him...but he could not...His condition is hurdling him...his age is a factor that cant be set aside...but what ever happen, this unsung hero is still the only HERO in our hearts...
May HE bestows and grants both of them [mum and dad] the ever lasting happiness...good health and continuous determination to go through the indefinite  minutes, hours and days ... until the end of the life chapter... INSYA ALLAH.

Goodbye - Air Supply

She' s LEAVING .. for GooD

Guess this time around... there is no turning back. She has made up her mind... for real.

About a month ago when she broke the news, deep in my heart I wanted it to be mainly a form of dissatisfaction on some unresolved issues on some influential individuals...Well more than often it happened to me too. I bet if I were to be at her age now, I would be a quitter.. Like we Malays used to say and grumble... "Malas nak layan kerenah manusia yang tak berpijak di bumi nyata". But, the other side of me, I am saluting her for all the courage that she has inside in embracing all those kind of immature and illogical moments of some people around us. Have to admit, my patience runs low when it comes to dealing with this kinda situation.

Knowing her for more than 10 years, I am amazed with her cool attitude at times especially when it comes to "critical' moments. I would be the one wondering left and right and yup...she stays calm and cool. I know having her beside me in such situations is pure prudent blessings. Not really sure though what would happen to me without her presence! hahahahaha....whatever it is I have to survive on my own way and I know I will....


To certain extend, she is my companion. There were things that are too personal to be discussed openly with some friends and even to your siblings! Well I shared them with her... perhaps she is always there when I needed someone to confide with... Often she is the one to know first on  certain :sad" or "tragic" or even "stupid" moments happened or I myself created in my life.

I am not sure why it really touches my sensibility this time round...when she said that she's leaving...again...but this time for good and of coz for real! I keep on praying for miracles to happen as hindrance or the stumble block for her not to pursue her intention. But this time, the miracles are no where to be found and not even a single sign shown to indicate that she would stay.

So she is leaving... soon. I foresee I might be in some akward moments when she is no longer around. Well maybe I promise - takkan ada meja yang terbalik or kerusi yang dibaling!!!! if I were to be stuffed with some stupidity.... hahahhha.... But people say as you grow older, you are wiser in your decisions... and I hope it does apply to me.

And to you my friend.. Jiji aka Carmen aka Babuji ; You'll be missed and remembered for all the things that you have done... be it good or even 'bad' hahahaha... I wish you all the best in your future endeavours and may HIS blessings be with you always.

So long my friend! :)
And something tells me we wont be under a same roof again.... 

Ramadhan is here!

Alhamdulillah... Allah has bestowed and showered HIS blessings on me ... I am still breathing to go through and to feel the barakah of Ramadhan ....

Just like before, Ramadhan always reminds me of my beloved late brother Azmin. It has been 10 years. He has been missed a lot. I still remember, Azmin never missed his Terawih during his last Ramadhan... one of the hidden signs before he left us for good.

It's a ritual I guess... first Iftar in Ramadhan will be spent together with the whole family.... followed by maghrib jemaah. This year is a bit different. Dad is no longer the Imam. Ed is leading the prayer now. Dad now performs his prayer on wheelchair. Anis who turned 5 last Jan, don herself in telekung to be part of the jemaah. She stands besides mum who sits on a chair for all her prayers now. Things are not the same. Mum used to cook for the first Iftar in Ramadhan. After what happened, she is no longer that capable to do "heavy cooking". The duty firmly rests on me! Well, think I should be proud of myself... hahahhha... even though today something happened during cooking. The stove exploded!!!!  I escaped unhurt (even though I could feel my heart beating so fast). Thought someone's pray/ wishes come through. But I guess HE rules the situation.  I am still blessed .... I am still breathing... deep and continuous .Alhamdulillah...  

To all my family members and my dear friends, I hope we will sail through this Ramadhan with good deeds and never ending patience. Deep in my heart, I am also hoping that HE opens the hearts of some people ...to accept life with an open mind. Insyallah  HE knows what's the best for everyone of us.

Salam Ramadhan peeps!

MoVe ON!

Whatever happened and about to happen, as a human I think the best solution is go back to basics. GOD knows what's the best for you.

Things seemed to be so haywire for the past few weeks. To err is human. And as human, it is one of its nature to be emotional....Yup I went through those moments of dissatisfaction, in denial, sorrow, dilema ...

At times what happened to us is situational. Like it or not you have to be part of it.... feel it and learn from it..
Be it positive and negative, we have to move on. Time and tide waits for no man....but it extends you with invaluable experience... that may guide your future life..

I never regret and will never look back for worst. The worst thing that happened is actually the sweetest moment... Its actually how we pick up the pieces of lessons learned...chapter by chapter. Among those chapters there are some hopes ...
Perhaps I can see clearly now....  the light at the end of the tunnel...

OVER and DONE?

Its been about one and half months now. Both parents are back home. Mak has just went through her first check up after those grueling moments of nearly 3 months. So far so good. Her health is gradually improving. Even though sometimes her condition is simply unpredictable. But to my naked eyes..I know she is stronger than before.Abah is still wheel chaired. I think he is trying his best to be on his feet again. Improving so far.

Lately office works are very demanding. This has taken my privilege away to visit them everyday. Weekend is the solution but at times weekends equal to attending and managing office duties. ... Sighhhhhh.... This is life. Like it or not, it has to move on. Gotta balance it wisely.

Expected to get a helper soon. At least she can be a helping hand to mak and abah. While Oya is still around and on lonnnnnggg vacation....she is the 'guardian angel' of both grannies. She has done very well so far despite I know sometimes (being young and fickle) she has those moments and tendencies of 'whateva' .... If ever she reads this... I thank her for her continuous presence and be part of those bitter sweet moments.

Mak now has to repeat her visit to HUKM every 3 months (for 2 years). On her third year (if everything's okay) she has to do her check up every 6 months.....
Abah is gradually recovering. I think all of us have been missing the good old days...
Deep inside us - Dear GOD, thank you for all your blessings and the strength that you have bestowed to each and everyone of us.

I continuously pray...
Its Over...
and...
Its Done!

.

Soaked and we did it!

My eyes were watery... even though I tried and  forced myself very hard to act normal and 'maco' ... like all this while I was one? He was strolled to the OT at 7.30 am.... and finally released at 1.30pm - 6 hours!
My heart beat ran fast when I saw him shivered ... He was surrounded by the surgeon and maybe around 8 doctors. they were trying to 'correct' the extremely low bp... he was on drips... blood...

When the surgeon approached me and asked whether I am a relative to him, I acted normal ... even though I kinda know what he gonna tell me. 'His bp is very unstable'. The moment he said that, i started my questions...
and ... he did try his best answering. After half an hour, dad was sent to high dependency unit. I saw a  frustration look on the surgeon's face. 'I have tried my best... but still your dad's bp is very low... Is he ever had a heart attack before? " he started questioning me now! The hell NO! (I said to myself). "Never" I answered him.

" The dos have to closely monitor your dad. Its common after an ops, a patient will react as such. Hopefully he will recover... his lungs is okay... he stops shivers". 

That evening, 5 of us were together in the unit... Jo, Ed, My other half, Oya and myself. At 7.00 pm, he was getting stable but the pain was very unbearable.... epidural was stopped and substituted with tarmal...the pain killer. Not working ... I guess, as he was restless and kept on whispering that he couldn't stand the pain.
Looking at his situation now,, at times I feel helpless as I can do nothing to reduce his pain... All I can do is to console him, comfort him...  How I wish if I can have a magic stick!!

Couldn't get myself a good sleep. Was up at 4.00 am and wondering around the house...
Finally played one of Amir's game which he downloaded in the tab.
At 7.30am I got to know from Ed, he is getting better. he could sit even though not that long...
He can move his leg a bit..
That's more than a good news..
It has been a very tiring week...not to mention some difficult moments that we have to go through... no exceptions..
... and we can't imagine how can we go thru all this ... one after another..

Her Endurance

It must be very painful and I know its very unbearable.
She cried on her very last day of treatment.
If only I could share or take over her pain...
Its breaking my heart to see her tears...
Speechless I am...
Only a hug that I could gave to console her ...
I feel you mak...
I know you've been trying hard to hide away all your pains...
U r the chosen one..
HE identifies your strength to endure all the pains
Hang in there...
We almost see the light now...

Unimaginable!

This week will be her final week.... the moment that I longed for...
"Your mum is doing fine. She needs to do her final brachy and that's it"
... and of coz Prof Fuad couldn't see the joy in my eyes when I read his message.

I couldn't remember how many days n nights I spent in this oncology ward accompanying her. All that's always fresh on my mind is her determination. She deserves more than a pat on her back. She deserves her normal life.

Her courage increased tremendously after what happened to dad.
Deep inside I am sure that she is instilling and channeling her strength to us, her children;  to face whatever obstacles and hurdles with confident.
.... can't afford to lose her or him now..
Can't really imagine life without both of them ...
Someone said  "They are our entry to the world...
Waking up without him or her is like waking up in a world without a sky and its unimaginable!" ....

Bed 7, Orthopedic Ward

The moment I stepped in, I said to myself  "too cramped" and I couldn't bear the distractions from the nurses and the docs as well as the cleaners running round the ward every single minute.

He was placed at Bed no 7... second row from the entrance and the most visible as the bed was near the counter where the nurses and the docs stationed themselves. We requested for a room so that he could be avoided from all those noisiness. There is a room but merely for those who are very critical.

One single word to describe this old classic government hosp - Congested ! Another single word to make it better  - Upgrade Please !... without which I think  will definitely defeat the purpose of its existence. I think that was the main reason why dad wanted a discharge even though he has not completed his treatment!!

Being a govt hosp - nurses are everywhere - a surplus I guess. Sometimes I don't know what they are doing. Obviously, they have to do 'something'. But I observed things were done at a very slow pace. I feel like 'pushing' them to be more pro active. I often lost my patience observing how some things were done here...

But docs are always around. Dr Sharaz, Dr Rajeev and Dr Aina were always there. The specialists came even at night. They did scan on dad's lungs at night as well. well, perhaps that's the beauty of any government hospital. They can do anything, anytime.

I was with dad last week and I was about to raise my voice to a group of trainees when I saw the patient opposite dad was trying to get something from the table next to him. The trainees were talking among themselves and I was not so sure - either they didn't notice or they refused to notice. That man- apparently lost his eyesight due to uncontrolled diabetes. I walked to him and gave him a bottle of mineral water - after asking what he wanted. Told him - next to him was a tray of food so better be careful as he might accidentally pushed the tray down.  Beside dad was a young chap (gotto know he's a convert - mualaf). He couldn't move and obviously need assistance. He was not really attended by the nurses. No one was with him .... He used to touch my shoulder and asked for food...

Was on leave and spent my days from 9.30 am till 7.30pm everyday to be with him. I saw a lot of things. I saw patients with different illness, different complications and different difficulties. I observed committed doctors, efficient nurses and vice versa...

These made me realised on so many things.
Even though how hard and how well we plan....HE plans better.
All we can do is to hold fast to our own belief..
As there is always a light at the end of the tunnel ...
And if there's ain't any light..
HE knows what the future hold for us...
Like people used to say there's always blessings ...in disguise...
And it depends on us how we translate things into our own life.

BiTTer - SWEEt

Finally we agreed to his request. He' s back at home now. I was the one who totally against his demand. But in the end I guess I should respect his decision...even though the fear is always there. All I ever wanted at this moment is to see him back on his feet again. If only I can take away all his pain, stress and pressure.... If only God permits...

Adjustments are currently being made here and there just to make things work, just to ensure everything is manageable. I have been on leave on and off. Deep inside, I thank all those colleagues who have been very supportive and understanding. And of course, every morning I wake up with twisted emotions and mixed feelings....thinking of the tasks that I left unattended or get someone to take over...and at the same time running up and down to be beside him or her.

He's gonna be admitted again in 3 days time while she is coming home for good after completing her 2 months treatment. I just hope that she will be fine.... something that is very uncertain I guess. For the past 2 months, I have been observing her ups and downs. She is definitely a strong person. She was full of constant courage to go thru the full package of the treatment. It astonished me. She embraced the patience and hold fast to her own belief that she will make it through...  and yes she sailed thru!

Having both of them unwell at the same time has taught me with valuable lessons; be it good or bad, be it sweet or sour; be it positive or negative - an experience that I can't demand by choice. It was given to me one after another; bit by bit and it hurts so deep...very deep. I finally discovered myself during this whole journey. Yeah... at times I can be highly positive and at times my strength is running low. When it ran low, I was totally not myself. But Alhamdulillah, God is Great. I am still sober and able to control myself even though there were situations that forced my patience to be at the lowest level.

I believe all things happened for valid reasons....
I may not be able to identify the reasons now ....
And I may don't even care what the reasons are..
... as long as I have them both back home again.

MAKING it WORKS - Coping & Adjusting..

It was a full day of stress! But glad everything was finally manageable. I guess it took a hell lot of patience. Gotta be strong .... mentally and emotionally.... and not EASY!

He was supposed to undergo his surgery tomorrow. Unfortunately, his current condition has been described as 'unfit'. Restless, tired and deprived of sound plus quality sleep resulted in 'under controlled tantrum' of him. He demanded a 2 day home leave... reason being the surrounding environment put more pressure and worsen his condition

I guess I had to be smart enough to play my role.... agreeing to his plead would cause more risks to him .... I have to think of others - the family as a whole.When the specialists did their rounds, I had to speak in contradiction. I have to speak on his behalf and at the same time what I thought the best for him. Some of the docs were puzzled at first but understood later.

Not blaming him entirely, I might do the same ... It has been a week and to him the docs are not doing good enough. Frankly, he has been improving a lot. And when the ops was called off, the doc was doing the right thing under his/her professional ethics. The calculated risks are greater and it was for the benefit of the patient. And being the patient in concerned, he refused to accept that as a fiduciary duty/responsibility of a medical practitioner.

His stress increased! My level of tense doubled! But I have to always remind myself that this is part and parcel of life. Some people went through worst. Some people went thru nothing. This is actually my duty ... to ensure that his well being is taken care of.  Not an easy task though. I have to admit that I restrained myself to engage in communication when he translated his dissatisfaction into words and action.... merely to avoid difference of opinions.. silent was golden.. 

Later in the evening, another doc came and did some thorough check up on him. Did some breathing exercise, lungs physio and detailed conversation... Infection was clear. No longer on oxygen mask and changed to merely oxygen tube meaning less supply of oxygen so that he could breathe comfortably. Yup... he was a bit relax now. Better than before.Next ops date is on Friday. I am praying hard that he is fit to undergo the ops which will take at least 2 hours.

I know how he feels right now...stress, tired, worried and many more. All jumbled up! And I know at his age now he wants to be restless free..

I learned my lesson well...
Its not easy to handle an unwell person
The best you can do is to manage yourself right, think deep and play your role efficiently..
Its a challenge to satisfy everyone...
Its even a greater challenge to manage yourself right and rationale your decision at the same time..
.... most of the time your feelings are secondary and are not worth defending .....
.... as what matter most is the one you love!

Restless.....

Lappy needs to be reformated. So, no lappy today and maybe tomo?

Hopefully can get it done by tonite.

Damn uncomfortable to blog with this tab....which is now full loaded with Amir's games.

Now at kajang hosp. Waiting for the anaesthetic specialist to  onfirm on tomo's ops. 

He is restless.... so do i....wanting this to end fast....

I'm SINKing?

I'm leaving her tonite. Gotta go back after 3 days accompanying her.
I am dying to see dad....These few days, his condition was 'reported' by both Joe and Ed. Perhaps I am more confident to see his condition with my very own eyes.

I have been occupying my time here by surfing ...searching info on lungs infection, hip surgery for elderly, recurring cancer, what's the treatment etc, etc...

Couldn't really focus in what I do. Mind is easily swayed and ended thinking of something else sighhhhhhhh.....
Have to admit that this is the most challenging situation to deal with..
Its very depressing at times...
Last week she was in good condition. The following day, after another treatment she is very weak...
Its frustrating to see her unstable condition...

Dad seems to be consistent... merely slight improvement. He's having fever at the moment while his lungs is being attended to by the docs. Knowing him, who cant really stay put, he must be very very restless. When all of a sudden, bedridden, he is not himself. Let alone the fracture that needs to be atended soon as well...
...more depressing situation to me...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This oncology ward is a bit quiet except during lunch visiting hour. Most of them are on home leave. Some also left since they have completed the treatment. Makcik Minah left the ward earlier. I was informed that her family wanted to try other alternatives. The 'kakak' whose hubby who had tongue cancer left. Her hubby passed away last Wed. So did the captain who had liver cancer left us for good also last week. Its sad to know that people whom you know for a short span of time left you... for good. Their passings were expected ...May all of them rest in peace.. Aminnnn..

I met 2 Chinese aunties who are now at their 80s. The first aunty's bed was just opposite mum's. She couldn't walk and therefore could't take care of herself. For these few days, I would go to her bed and offered her my assistance. Normally it was merely helping her to get boiled water, to pass her the bread or biscuits...  But she went home just now.... she has only 3 days to finish her treatment. A strong lady to me.

The other Chinese lady was placed a bit far. Since the ward is now not fully occupied, she was a bit isolated. I went to see her yesterday. She's 81. This morning I gotto know from her friend that she had breast cancer and had them removed 11 years ago. Now she has problem with her lungs. Half a pile of water was took out from her lungs yesterday... She has no one with her since her daughter is in Singapore. ... A nice lady to me .... she works in a temple and takes care of the temple near her house.

Frankly, talking to some ppl here makes me open my eyes wider. They are very positive, strong and they are nice and good people....They never thought what happened to them now is  a form of punishment..

And often nice and good people are tested in so many ways....
Perhaps I am one of them?
Or merely being tested and challenged to be nice and good people?
GOD knows!

Week 5 - Keeping Our Fingers Crossed

Seriously, I don't know what would happen to me without a lappy ...
Left it in Forte yesterday... Forced Joe to make a turning to send the lappy. I know that sounded stupid... and yes of coz that kinda of stupidity was not even entertained by the owner of that Forte.
So I was like sooo dammnnnnn bored without the lappy.... which in its absence, my BB was the only smart tool/device that I have. So no blogging, no emailing and no surfing and that equals to borring!

Finally, got it back at 8.00pm yesterday. .Legaa... That was the only form of entertainment that I have thru out my duration in the hospital. Not even handsome, young and cute doctors or at least doctors to be were around to release the current tense :)

Today, she completed her 5th week treatment. I had the opportunity to meet up with Prof Fuad during his rounds on Wednesday.  So most of the questions were from me rather than the patient herself! Prof examined her stomach especially the 2 locations of the tumors. The tumors have reduced significantly in size.

I was then informed that she has to complete 27 rounds of RT. As it is now, she has done 23 rounds. Chemos have been reduced from 5 to 3. Prof said her body couldn't stand the chemo effects and no matter what, the package of the whole treatment is deemed to be completed with 3 brachy sessions. So she has another 2 weeks to go!  Questions from Prof were directed to me rather than to mum then. I think he knows and still remembers how impatient I was during our first meeting demanding for answers and certainties.

Today, she had her first brachy. The procedure took about 5 hours. Mum is now relaxing and trying to have a good sleep. I noticed that she was a bit nervous before entering the OT just now. But glad to observe that she is okay. Thought of bringing her back tonite but I noticed that she was too weak and really unfit to move around. Had to bring her to the toilet and she's on drypers tonite...  Told the nurses the uncomfortable situation that she's having. She was given painkillers.
I think she has been restless since yesterday. A wife mysef, I know how she feels at the moment .....her husband's condition does matter to her.

Dad, on the other hand was said to have a slight improvement. Doc is still monitoring his breathing. He is doing some physio exercises to expand his lungs - a preparation for the surgery. We just hope he will recover soon. Even though Joe said the 'merepek' still exist ...at times.

Despite some stupid bloody comments from some people on what happened to us now, things look very positive and promising for both of them.
Will continue with our doa and prayers ....
For them to reunite again...
And for 3 of us to put that smile back on our face ...

The TWISTs and TURNs of Life

Have been texting Ed on dad's current condition. Glad to know that he finally asleep. I guess he has not been sleeping since his admission on Tuesday, 24 April 2012. Its very worrying to got to know that he starts 'meracau' and 'merepek' - when in actual fact he's not that kinda person. I keep on telling myself its merely lack of good sleep... Only that.... no other reason!

As mentioned by Ed, the doc did ct scan on his lungs. At first, they suspected a serious infection or existence of blood clot due to the fracture. Alhamdulillah, the infection is not serious. We thought the infection must due to his caughing for the past 3 days.There is also some improvement on his breathing. Still on oxygen mask but doc said the reading of his breathing is now consistent with the pulse.

In the meantime, his other half is due for brachy. Posptponed twice, Prof Fuad said she must undergo brachy within this week. They have done a few 'corrections' on her blood with all those drips. I could see both her hands are damn swollen. Too many injections taking sample of blood, sodium drips, and even sometimes she's on blood drip as well. I understand clearly that its for the prrpose of the treatment. She gotta complete everything. Prof said the tumor has reduced tremendously. That's a bit of good news to celebrate eh? But it means a lot more if he is in good condition. As it is now, she must be given all the positive support. 2 of her ward mates passed away last few days.... one of them was just opposite her.

Its quite a tough moment what we are facing now.Three of us (Joe, Ed and myself) have never discussed on what's happening now openly. We are actually reading each other's hearts and minds. So far, having the same blood running in us, we managed to undestand each other effectively. We are grasping for positive vibes within 3 of us..

God must love 3 of us so much! To my 2 brothers, hang in there... whatever the ending is, HE knows what's the best for us....

An ExPloRAcE of EMOTIONS

I  was running like crazy at HUKM hunting for a wheelchair this evening...
If there is any NGO at the moment that requests for wheelchairs as donations, I will definitely support for the approval. Confirm!
Finally, managed to get one for her.... right place, right time...

Had to bring her back today... 'Only one day Prof' .. 'should be okay' he said.
Text Joe - 'wait for us at the main lobby...on our way down now'..

Damn! it was the lift again... Wrong timing I guess....
Racing against time, I could see that she was holding tight to the wheelchair ...due to the 'drifting' and the 'cornering' that I made along the way to the lobby. Dont worry mum .... I am and always a good driver ...and efficient as well!

Joe said ' we go straight la nyah'. I didnt figure out that as a suggestion from him...To me it was an instruction... and I didnt respond at all. He got the message. We were not talking at all through out the journey. Mum - I guess she was preparing herself..

*******************************************************************************

He was surprised to see her... I saw his watery eyes and she controlled her emotions well.  He is on oxygen mask now.... The doc explained that at 11.00 am he said he couldn't breathe properly.  A dejavu! It happened to late Azmin when he himself requested for the same...

For the first time (after what happened for the past few months), one of my super duper strong brothers broke into tears.. I could feel him actually.. I know he has been keeping this for quite some time...
Men do cry.. nothing's wrong with that!

******************************************************************************

I was with him till 730pm. Told him not to take off the oxygen mask so often... He might feel uncomfortable... Several times, I caught him trying to close his eyes... Perhaps just like me wanting this to be one of those nightmares .... He watched me.. and I stared away from looking at his eyes ... holding back the tears.. .

Hold his hands.... Rub his forehead, Stroke his hair...with the hope that I am able to do this again and again and again.....and again...
My legs were so heavy ...leaving him ....
Whispered to him that I gotta go...
His reply was a simple nod...
... and I wept all the way....

LIFE is like a BOX of chocolates ...

-  Life is full of surprises, you never know what will happen next -

The traffic was like hell this morning. Joe had to use his Garmin for alternatives navigation to HUKM. Finally I reached safe and sound around 9.00 am. Grabbed myself a pack of porridge since that’s the only food that looks good to my eyes at the moment.

Oya was all set and ready to go home when I arrived. Pity her.... Well at least this is another learning phase for her.  An experience that she can always remember  for  the rest of her life (if she sees thing positively).

The moment I put my stuff down, 'how’s your father’ she asked impatiently.  Like a tape recorder, I told her the whole thing. She might have probably knew wht happened from Ed yesterday.  

She has mixed feelings...and I couldn’t figure out what's inside her mind at this very moment..

I was with him yesterday evening. Forced Azeem to tag along and suggested him to do a white lie – that he is actually 12 so that he can follow me inside.  He got thru with the trick.

There he was, bedridden... I couldn’t look at his eyes. Doc said he is in stable condition but observing the current condition of the person who went thru many hardships ... raising me all these years  .... is very disheartening, depressing and heartbreaking.

He can’t move at all. I sponged his face, body... and my heart was so soaked with grief, sorrow ... Fed him... Merely 2 spoons , he refused to have more.  

Couldn’t sleep well yesterday... even though with the “help” of all the medication for my fever, cough and flu.  Woke up every 2 hours... thinking of him...and her...both of them!

New adjustments need to be seriously planned now. I am now calculating and strategizing the way forward and the next step of actions. Everything is like a jigsaw puzzle in my mind. Trying to match and place things at the right place. 

All I can say now...

I'm glad to have 2 brothers who are super duper 'strong'

Their feelings are like "Touch' and 'Go" ...

Its always me who melt and cried

I'm blessed to have 2 SILs  who have been sharing the burden 

and of coz my beloved other half who has been so understanding and trying at his level best to assist in whatever means he can...

SOUL searching

He was once an unsung hero...
But to the hearts of the people close to him... he is "the" hero.

Having a father who is an ex army is not always 'fun' .... and 'no joke'...
He created rules and regulations that have no loopholes for any possible breach.
He is tough - pyhsically and emotionally..
His punctuality is superb! (at my current age now, I always make sure that I reach on time whenever he summons us !!).
In a nutshell, years servicing in the army has taught him a lot about life. Life is not easy. Life is too short. Life is about managing and preparing yourself to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong.
 
*****************************************************************************

This hero is no longer strong ...physically..
At 75 of age, his health sometimes is 'out of equilibrium' = imbalance
Things got worst when his other half (my mother) has been hospitalised for about 2 months now due to the popular silent killer, the Big C.
They have been 'separated' since then and due to her condition, they have not been meeting for about 2 weeks now.
Last weekend, I talked to him. Giving him assurance that she will be fine soon. Giving him high hopes that she will lead her normal life soon.
... and that he has to take good care of himself. He has to let go off his stress and whatever negative feelings inside him
... and that we are always there for him..
Even though we merely have only 3 of us after Azmin left us 10 years ago.
.... yes none of us would want to go thru the same experience when we lost Azmin. RIP, Azmin.. we have been missing you a lot... more than we can describe!

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I had a fever yesterday and went straight home. Told her that I cant be with her since I will be replacing Oya from Wed to Fri. Lil Amir is also having fever but is recovering. I took paracetamol and went to a deep sleep until at 10.00 pm when Ed rang me up.

He fell again and this time it was serious. In heavy rain with a bad headache I drove to see him.
There, he was lying in the main hall. Spoke to him. His hands were trembeling... enduring the pain.
He wanted me to massage his knee and side of the hip. In merely seconds, he asked me to stop. I bet it was the pain.

Few minutes after that, the ambulance arrived and it was a bit 'tough' to put him on the stretcher... I figured that he might fractured one of his bones.

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After a thorough check up and got himself x rayed, it was confirmed - hip fractured. He has lungs infection as well due to his flu. Surgery is the treatment. The latest is next week. There he is lying....
I see all this with a sobbing heart.

I am feeling numb at the moment....
Having 2 most important and beloved persons unwell at the same time...
Speechless...
Tried to act normal...
As normal as I can be...
...cracking jokes ...
Even though deep inside me...
I am soul searching...

Still Counting - Week 4

Its been nearly a month since she was diagnosed with the Big C. That excludes the challenging days when she was first admitted, thoroughly examined by the specialists and docs to be,  answering similar questions from the docs (e.g do u smoke, what was your job before . bla bla bla)... and the worst part when she was told buntly that her tumor has invaded her lungs... which actually equals to stage 4!  Upon CT scan, hers was then diagnosed as stage 2B with 2 tumors!  How time flies...It was not only the pain that she went through but I guess almost everything....

Our lives changed since that moment. Adjustments were made..and still being made every now and then. There were even trial and error among us, .. just to ensure that we found the right formula to overcome the predicament. It affects everyone in the family from the youngest to the eldest. 

Making adjustments has caused some sacrifices ... be it time, money or anything for that matters. There were/are moments of tense, sorrow and dissatisfaction... But one thing for sure it makes us stronger.
She was strong, focus and positive upon the diagnose... not that she isn't at the moment, but all those like been drifting away... a bit...

Week 4 - She has completed 18 RTs and 3 Chemos. Missed 1 RT - due to a public holiday and 1 Chemo due to high fever. Was supposed to go thru brachy session but was cancelled twice. Again due to high fever.

Her current condition - the side effects are now very revealing. Last 2 days was the worst so far. She is now experiencing the complete package of the side effects... and she is really trying very hard to win the battle.. even though she's merely armed with her inner strength. That justifies why I have to be with her almost every day. My instinct tells that she needs people close to her to elevate her strength which is at current, slowly defeating.

This week - no home leave for her. She is too weak ... She needs what she deserves more - a peace of mind.

She is tired, mind, body and soul..
She is fighting ...

We are continuously praying
and hoping ...
... for a good ending. 

 Get Well soon Mak ...
We miss the old you...