Soaked and we did it!

My eyes were watery... even though I tried and  forced myself very hard to act normal and 'maco' ... like all this while I was one? He was strolled to the OT at 7.30 am.... and finally released at 1.30pm - 6 hours!
My heart beat ran fast when I saw him shivered ... He was surrounded by the surgeon and maybe around 8 doctors. they were trying to 'correct' the extremely low bp... he was on drips... blood...

When the surgeon approached me and asked whether I am a relative to him, I acted normal ... even though I kinda know what he gonna tell me. 'His bp is very unstable'. The moment he said that, i started my questions...
and ... he did try his best answering. After half an hour, dad was sent to high dependency unit. I saw a  frustration look on the surgeon's face. 'I have tried my best... but still your dad's bp is very low... Is he ever had a heart attack before? " he started questioning me now! The hell NO! (I said to myself). "Never" I answered him.

" The dos have to closely monitor your dad. Its common after an ops, a patient will react as such. Hopefully he will recover... his lungs is okay... he stops shivers". 

That evening, 5 of us were together in the unit... Jo, Ed, My other half, Oya and myself. At 7.00 pm, he was getting stable but the pain was very unbearable.... epidural was stopped and substituted with tarmal...the pain killer. Not working ... I guess, as he was restless and kept on whispering that he couldn't stand the pain.
Looking at his situation now,, at times I feel helpless as I can do nothing to reduce his pain... All I can do is to console him, comfort him...  How I wish if I can have a magic stick!!

Couldn't get myself a good sleep. Was up at 4.00 am and wondering around the house...
Finally played one of Amir's game which he downloaded in the tab.
At 7.30am I got to know from Ed, he is getting better. he could sit even though not that long...
He can move his leg a bit..
That's more than a good news..
It has been a very tiring week...not to mention some difficult moments that we have to go through... no exceptions..
... and we can't imagine how can we go thru all this ... one after another..

Her Endurance

It must be very painful and I know its very unbearable.
She cried on her very last day of treatment.
If only I could share or take over her pain...
Its breaking my heart to see her tears...
Speechless I am...
Only a hug that I could gave to console her ...
I feel you mak...
I know you've been trying hard to hide away all your pains...
U r the chosen one..
HE identifies your strength to endure all the pains
Hang in there...
We almost see the light now...

Unimaginable!

This week will be her final week.... the moment that I longed for...
"Your mum is doing fine. She needs to do her final brachy and that's it"
... and of coz Prof Fuad couldn't see the joy in my eyes when I read his message.

I couldn't remember how many days n nights I spent in this oncology ward accompanying her. All that's always fresh on my mind is her determination. She deserves more than a pat on her back. She deserves her normal life.

Her courage increased tremendously after what happened to dad.
Deep inside I am sure that she is instilling and channeling her strength to us, her children;  to face whatever obstacles and hurdles with confident.
.... can't afford to lose her or him now..
Can't really imagine life without both of them ...
Someone said  "They are our entry to the world...
Waking up without him or her is like waking up in a world without a sky and its unimaginable!" ....

Bed 7, Orthopedic Ward

The moment I stepped in, I said to myself  "too cramped" and I couldn't bear the distractions from the nurses and the docs as well as the cleaners running round the ward every single minute.

He was placed at Bed no 7... second row from the entrance and the most visible as the bed was near the counter where the nurses and the docs stationed themselves. We requested for a room so that he could be avoided from all those noisiness. There is a room but merely for those who are very critical.

One single word to describe this old classic government hosp - Congested ! Another single word to make it better  - Upgrade Please !... without which I think  will definitely defeat the purpose of its existence. I think that was the main reason why dad wanted a discharge even though he has not completed his treatment!!

Being a govt hosp - nurses are everywhere - a surplus I guess. Sometimes I don't know what they are doing. Obviously, they have to do 'something'. But I observed things were done at a very slow pace. I feel like 'pushing' them to be more pro active. I often lost my patience observing how some things were done here...

But docs are always around. Dr Sharaz, Dr Rajeev and Dr Aina were always there. The specialists came even at night. They did scan on dad's lungs at night as well. well, perhaps that's the beauty of any government hospital. They can do anything, anytime.

I was with dad last week and I was about to raise my voice to a group of trainees when I saw the patient opposite dad was trying to get something from the table next to him. The trainees were talking among themselves and I was not so sure - either they didn't notice or they refused to notice. That man- apparently lost his eyesight due to uncontrolled diabetes. I walked to him and gave him a bottle of mineral water - after asking what he wanted. Told him - next to him was a tray of food so better be careful as he might accidentally pushed the tray down.  Beside dad was a young chap (gotto know he's a convert - mualaf). He couldn't move and obviously need assistance. He was not really attended by the nurses. No one was with him .... He used to touch my shoulder and asked for food...

Was on leave and spent my days from 9.30 am till 7.30pm everyday to be with him. I saw a lot of things. I saw patients with different illness, different complications and different difficulties. I observed committed doctors, efficient nurses and vice versa...

These made me realised on so many things.
Even though how hard and how well we plan....HE plans better.
All we can do is to hold fast to our own belief..
As there is always a light at the end of the tunnel ...
And if there's ain't any light..
HE knows what the future hold for us...
Like people used to say there's always blessings ...in disguise...
And it depends on us how we translate things into our own life.

BiTTer - SWEEt

Finally we agreed to his request. He' s back at home now. I was the one who totally against his demand. But in the end I guess I should respect his decision...even though the fear is always there. All I ever wanted at this moment is to see him back on his feet again. If only I can take away all his pain, stress and pressure.... If only God permits...

Adjustments are currently being made here and there just to make things work, just to ensure everything is manageable. I have been on leave on and off. Deep inside, I thank all those colleagues who have been very supportive and understanding. And of course, every morning I wake up with twisted emotions and mixed feelings....thinking of the tasks that I left unattended or get someone to take over...and at the same time running up and down to be beside him or her.

He's gonna be admitted again in 3 days time while she is coming home for good after completing her 2 months treatment. I just hope that she will be fine.... something that is very uncertain I guess. For the past 2 months, I have been observing her ups and downs. She is definitely a strong person. She was full of constant courage to go thru the full package of the treatment. It astonished me. She embraced the patience and hold fast to her own belief that she will make it through...  and yes she sailed thru!

Having both of them unwell at the same time has taught me with valuable lessons; be it good or bad, be it sweet or sour; be it positive or negative - an experience that I can't demand by choice. It was given to me one after another; bit by bit and it hurts so deep...very deep. I finally discovered myself during this whole journey. Yeah... at times I can be highly positive and at times my strength is running low. When it ran low, I was totally not myself. But Alhamdulillah, God is Great. I am still sober and able to control myself even though there were situations that forced my patience to be at the lowest level.

I believe all things happened for valid reasons....
I may not be able to identify the reasons now ....
And I may don't even care what the reasons are..
... as long as I have them both back home again.

MAKING it WORKS - Coping & Adjusting..

It was a full day of stress! But glad everything was finally manageable. I guess it took a hell lot of patience. Gotta be strong .... mentally and emotionally.... and not EASY!

He was supposed to undergo his surgery tomorrow. Unfortunately, his current condition has been described as 'unfit'. Restless, tired and deprived of sound plus quality sleep resulted in 'under controlled tantrum' of him. He demanded a 2 day home leave... reason being the surrounding environment put more pressure and worsen his condition

I guess I had to be smart enough to play my role.... agreeing to his plead would cause more risks to him .... I have to think of others - the family as a whole.When the specialists did their rounds, I had to speak in contradiction. I have to speak on his behalf and at the same time what I thought the best for him. Some of the docs were puzzled at first but understood later.

Not blaming him entirely, I might do the same ... It has been a week and to him the docs are not doing good enough. Frankly, he has been improving a lot. And when the ops was called off, the doc was doing the right thing under his/her professional ethics. The calculated risks are greater and it was for the benefit of the patient. And being the patient in concerned, he refused to accept that as a fiduciary duty/responsibility of a medical practitioner.

His stress increased! My level of tense doubled! But I have to always remind myself that this is part and parcel of life. Some people went through worst. Some people went thru nothing. This is actually my duty ... to ensure that his well being is taken care of.  Not an easy task though. I have to admit that I restrained myself to engage in communication when he translated his dissatisfaction into words and action.... merely to avoid difference of opinions.. silent was golden.. 

Later in the evening, another doc came and did some thorough check up on him. Did some breathing exercise, lungs physio and detailed conversation... Infection was clear. No longer on oxygen mask and changed to merely oxygen tube meaning less supply of oxygen so that he could breathe comfortably. Yup... he was a bit relax now. Better than before.Next ops date is on Friday. I am praying hard that he is fit to undergo the ops which will take at least 2 hours.

I know how he feels right now...stress, tired, worried and many more. All jumbled up! And I know at his age now he wants to be restless free..

I learned my lesson well...
Its not easy to handle an unwell person
The best you can do is to manage yourself right, think deep and play your role efficiently..
Its a challenge to satisfy everyone...
Its even a greater challenge to manage yourself right and rationale your decision at the same time..
.... most of the time your feelings are secondary and are not worth defending .....
.... as what matter most is the one you love!

Restless.....

Lappy needs to be reformated. So, no lappy today and maybe tomo?

Hopefully can get it done by tonite.

Damn uncomfortable to blog with this tab....which is now full loaded with Amir's games.

Now at kajang hosp. Waiting for the anaesthetic specialist to  onfirm on tomo's ops. 

He is restless.... so do i....wanting this to end fast....