More TiMe with Her

I promised myself to spend more time with her. Trying my best. Spent a night with her. Tho oya was around i just wanna make sure that i hold her,  soaped her, stroked her and hold her hands.

I wept everytime she closed her eyes. Just to make sure that she didnt notice these tears. Just wanna make sure that  i look okay and strong even tho my emotion is shattering.

Some relatives who knew abt her condition started to visit. She looked tired but still tried to hide her emotions. Her eyes watered once when she spoke on abah. I looked away..didnt sure as to whether i shd look to her eyes.

This morning after cleaning her up with oya..we talked. Just want to have as many as mum n daughter talks before the time comes to an end. We laughed. I held her hands.

She had a request actually. Wanted to see her sisters. She had tiny tears at the edge of both eyes.
Ok i will. Told her that. Guarantee her that i will get my aunties; her sisters come and visit soon.

Spoke to achik. Hearing her voice i couldnt control my tears. It was a few second pause..and perhaps wht achik heard was my sobbing.

This is sad.
I still dont know what to expect.

But m becoming to redha...

DreaM

Have been having sleepless nights lately. After almost a year i thot indreamt of abah and  azmin both together last week.

Went to see mak dis morning. Semlm mak balik tapi tak sempat nak jenguk sbb sampai umah pun dah nak kul 11 malam.

Occupying myself with office works has always been an excuse to divert my thinking to stray from mak' s condition. Its not a sin... but its a matter of  being positive and on top of situation.

Dont know what to expect!
I am just feeling lost.

Here again....

Have been wanting to write. The urge is there but the moments have been so melancholic.

The tears would be running rather than words. 

Mak has been admitted again. This time round it is bad. I could say that it's a matter of bertahan.

I have to say that I was bold when it came to asking questions to the doc about her condition. Hers is stage 4. " the tumor is rapidly growing. It has affected her lymph nodes from the waist below. On top of that her nerves problem is also a major contributing factor." The last sentence from the doc after being so called interrogated by myself was " she has more or less 3 months. I am sorry".

Phew....i felt so numb. Feel like flying high aimlessly.

When I got to her bed she asked what was wrong with her condition. Told her its her nerves. And that RT will not be done as this would worsen her condition. That's it. Not to further complicate her condition the docs are keen to increase the dosage of the painkiller rather than strolling her for radiography. 

Was with her since yesterday. Observed her all the time. Her breathing, her face, her chest, her body...all of her. Sometimes I hold her hands tight. Indicating I won't in fact I don't wanna let you go. I know I'm gonna lose her soon. Scientifically, yes. 

Arghhhh I hate this feeling. 

I don't know what to expect

I don't know what to do

I don't know how to react in front of her....

She has been tested a lot and enuf said this is the max and the peak!