Mohammad Azmin Ariffin (1965 - 2002).

Flashing back... I then realised why on earth I kept on singing 'How Do I Live' by LeeAn Rimes...

A week before 29 March 2002, he called me .. informing that Qilla's birthday was just around the corner and he wanted to host a birthday party.

5 days before 29 March 2002, he told me to withdraw an X amount of money from the Family Trust Fund to give to a friend of mine - investing in his project. "If anything happened, get Ed to sign off since Ed is another signatory of the trust fund."

I refused to 'invest' but he insisted. "We promised him". That was his sincere reason. The last thing that I knew, he was admitted - severe chicken pox. I did call him before his admission... wanted to visit  him... He refused.  "Contagious' he said.

The first time I paid him a visit at the hospital was a casual one. But I noticed the rashes and blisters. It was all over his body.I knew he missed his daughters especially Oya. The nurses couldn't let Oya in to visit him. It really saddened me watching him cried out loud when he could only see Oya from far. Oya was 9 years old and barely understood what was going on.

26 March 2002, Joe received a call from his doc at 3.00 am. "Your brother is complaining of difficulty in breathing. We need your agreement to proceed with life support'. I was the last in the family to visit him before he was hooked to the life support machine. Sempat pegang tangan, kaki dia... I looked at him and whispered "It will get over soon..." He was looking at me... deeply. I stared away holding back the tears....

The next day, his colleagues, friends and our relatives came... But he was 'in coma'. When I went to see him, I could see tears from his eyes... The doc said his condition was stable but critical. I didn't go to the discussion with the doc. It was abah, Roy (his wife) and Zali (Roy's brother)..

28 March 2002, no one was permitted to pay any visit. It was a relieve to hear that the Doc said his condition was stabilized and his body was responding towards the medication.

That night I recited Yaasin and prayed hard that he will be back again. I even sent him an email explaining his condition with the hope that he will reply once he gets back to work.

But, as human, no matter how good the plans that we laid down .. HE still has the DECISIVE POWER.
On 29 March 2002, after subuh, I received a call from mum asking me to hurry to the hospital. While driving my heart was pounding. "Please God... We still need him... Please don't take him away... His family still want him...

Guess it was too late.... When I arrived, Oya was seen 'confused'. My parents were sobbing. Jo and Ed were in tears. I was the last to arrive... Azmin was no longer with us... "Allah sayangkan dia" ... slowly uttered by abah with deepest sorrow...I know mum was crying inside...

That was 8 years ago... I still 'see him' in my imagination...I dreamt of him often. But after a dream that I had 2 years after he had gone, he didn't appear anymore... In the final dream that I had with him, he told me "I have finally arrived home"...

Its hurt ... really hurt when someone you love was no longer with you. You can 'see' him but you cannot 'touch' him.  You feel like hugging him, but you could not. All you can do is to cherish the memories that you had together till one day when your time will arrive to join him...

Min, you are always in our hearts.... Always be remembered.... Nothing compares to you...
May you rest in peace....

And till now... I know it's ridiculous ... sometimes I am still hoping that I were to receive his reply of the email that I sent him ....