Haze in Me

I know mak has been asking about me from our helper Tinah. It has been twice. Last week when I was on leave and took care of her, she asked Tinah was I on leave? Didn't I have work at the office? ...
Yesterday when I cleaned her she didn't say anything except looking at me. At the kitchen, Tinah told me mak was asking about me yesterday ...

I took the lazy chair inside her room and sit beside her. She was fast asleep. I could see that the sore that she had on some parts of her legs are getting better. Thanks to my SILs Ros and  Ju who have also been taking care of her. Tried to read some books but perhaps the tiredness inside me put me to sleep as well. I dreamt of mak actually. She could get up and talked to me. It was something that we really hoped for.

But I knew it was merely a dream when I was woke up by Azam. For lunch, I fed mak porridge. She ate... Ed said she has not been eating for a while. Kalau makan pun sesuap dua. Looked she was enjoying her food. Perhaps she wanted me, her only daughter to feed her. Yeah maybe.... After eating I checked her condition. Hold her hands...

After a while she looked restless. Asked her why. She didn't reply except looking at me with tears at the edge of her eyes. She started reciting surah...that indicated she was in pain. I hold her hands again. Stroked her hair hoping that would calmed her down. She kept on reciting...sometimes louder sometimes deep in between her voice. I hold her in my arms while she looked straight and sometimes closed her eyes. I couldn't look at her eyes. I looked down crying with tears falling to the floor. I was sobbing hard while she kept on reciting and reciting and reciting. When she stopped I took her instant pain reliever. It was not that easy nowadays to get her to take her meds. After dealing with some persuasion she did swallow the capsule. It was about 20 mins later she went asleep.

At 230 Ed changed her patch meds. She then was asleep until I left for home.
Feel like zombified. I googled a lot after that though I used to do that before checking and matching her conditions with the info that I gathered on the net. The symptoms are here and there. Mak is fighting inside I guess. At times she surrendered at times she won. The big C continues attacking. She knew that long time ago.

I think my siblings and I are quite ready for the day to come. But I bet none of us are ever ready to lose her for good.

We just hope ...God please ease her pain. That's all that we ever wanted. Let her go in peace and pain free.

Looks like the haze is finally gone but the haze inside me still lingers...