WhaT a DAy

Life has been very hectic lately. Travelling out stations are routines nowadays. Sometimes i feel that i am not being fair to my lil' kiddo Amir ... what more my other half! But what choice do i have? I am glad as both of them consider my routine absence as a duty that is expected out of me. Glad that the 'father & son' bonding has made both of them very close and something that i always look upon..for my other half has been the constant helping hand to manage this kiddo...

I always tell myself i should make up the times that i have missed with both of them. But at the rate i am going now i cant really anticipate the exact moment. Am i being selfish or what?

Today is one of those hectic days. Like other days, the scheduled meetings coupled with ad hoc requests have always left me with undescribed tiredness..mentally and phyisically..

Today .... I was taken a back.. when my one and only lil kiddo told me ... " amir suka bantal ni sebab ada bau rambut mak... " he held the pillow tight..with his shining eyes staring at me..

Clueless... speechless ... it touched me so deep. I have the feeling that what this lil.kiddo wanted to express was..." i miss u a lot and i want u to always be by my side"....

Only God knows how much i want that too my dear son...

I wept quietly then...

ViCtImiSeD!

Have you ever feel that you have been victim..ised?  Often? Maybe? All the times?

I think this is a feeling or a situation that everyone face/has been facing in our daily life. Something that can't be avoided... something that ..being human you tend to be one of the victims or perhaps who finds victims!

But being human is not a valid excuse though to act as such... (am I being super duper perfect?) But still we have no right (in my own definition on law of emotions) to find baits to release our dissatisfaction, anger, hatred and etc...

Why am I writing this? Because I think lately I am the loser.. being victimised due to unnecessary or unknown causes. The more you keep yourself in control and sober, the more people hit you and push you to the wall. Yes I didn't react ... Thinking rationally, I think I would be putting myself to the lowest degree a.k.a to the same level of mentality of those irrational and inconsiderate people.

But how to avoid this people? My take... let them be... Leave them with their childish attitude and immaturity... To me this people will never changed. They are the kind of people that God has created as a test.. to measure one's steadfast..ness, patience ...

Being someone who finds that being a victim is a part of our daily life, it often gets to my nerve. Sometimes i react defensively... sometimes I let it be. I guess this is a nature of us..being human...even though I have stressed myself that being human confers us no legitimate right to act as such.

As for me, I have been trying my level best not to snap on other people due to some internal problems. Its not that easy. The more/ the harder you try, the more it comes to you. I believe we can only avoid being victimised and avoid ourselves to find victims in phases... We couldn't do it in a spur of a moment, in  a blink of eye or not even a day ... It comes through experience in life.

The wiser we are... the better person we would be.

AkU MerEpEK

I dont know what went wrong today..
Am I so cold and insensitive?

But the scenario explained otherwise. My counter part was actually insensitive and snapped on easily..
Hmmmhhh... well ... I will act like normal as I know that I have done nothing serious... or is it because of that nothing serious I got so called penalised?

My heart and brain are not in sync lately.. I am missing sumthin.. Gosh... couldn't be..
Or should I give myself a nice spank so that I could wake up!! this is not a dreamland.. This is not alice in wonderland.. this is reallll... wake up please.. come on brain.. come on heart... let it go... It means nothing... It has ended ...officially... Nothing to look back. What left is merely traces of puzzle that is impossible to be ...paired?. Its not a confusion... Its a combination of a short span of happiness, excitement and towards the end a denial?

Apa aku merepek ni Labuuuu...
I need to rest my mind ...
It has been processing beyond its capacity at times.. hahaha..
and leave the body weak...
and mind always wondering ...searching and searching...

And heart strongly pumping
... but deep inside shyly weeping...

  

oUT of CuriOsiTY

I did something crazy..
OMG!!!!

But this is based on curiosity..
I followed an advice from someone senior... to relay every situation and communication to someone... which I did.

I asked a friend ... did I do something stupid?
Did I do something based on immaturity?
The Hell No!!!!!

But let's see how it begins or ends.. I don;t know which comes first now.
I always tell myself this is me... always wanting to know how my curiosity ends..
The curiosity sometimes looks real..for good.. But sometimes fake.
OMG!!!!

Maybe I think so hard, being so cautious and trying hard to read the counter part's mind so bloody hard that made me haywire at times.

But blame it on myself. I want it at the first place. I want it to be my own experience.
All I have to do now is to stay focus.
To pray to Allah that I have strong will to avoid any unpredictable wrong doings ..
To think twice before I conclude to a decision ...
To always think straight and rationale...
And to be SOBER..
Its only the beginning... not even half way...
I am so confused..

Stay STrOng Sis!

I am not sure how am I supposed to pen down my words now..

This is specially dedicated to someone...
You have been so strong..
I salute you for that..

Flashing back if I were to be at your place now,, I will be melting ... crying ... and perhaps grasping for supporting hands to assist me to stand still and fight the fear inside.

It gave me a hard spank on my face looking at how you faced the situation. You were calm outside...
I know you were struggling inside ....  

I can never imagined how would I react if my time comes... I know it will ...one of these days..
The fear of losing someone close to you for the rest of your life is like a taboo to me..

I hope you will continue the strength that you have in you..
Seeing your calmness just now made my eyes watered
I pray that you will stay strong until the chapter ends..
Stay Strong Ros... I know you will...
You will always have my shoulder to cry on...

i need a breakkk

sighhhhh....this is supposed to be a long sighhhhh..
am i tired or what? Well not physically but perhaps mentally and emotionally.
really wanting to set this chain free..

I thinK I MiSS HiM

I think I miss him.
He has been away for more than a week now. 

Sometimes I wonder if he ever missed me like I do now..
Practically, I travel more than him..
Leaving both him and lil'Amir ... orang kata tuntutan kerja...
Is the feeling that I feel now is the same like he felt every time I am away...
Hmmhhh maybe...
But I hate this feeling..
Something is missing in my life...

Luckily we now live in the era of advent technology..
I can talk to him any time I want
But at the same time I have my ego as well...
Pretending not to missing him... Huh... what an ego right!

Well after being together for more than 10 years... he knows what's buggin' me and I know what's inside him..

I think we miss each other's company..
Each other's touch
Each other's  affection
Its just that sometimes ....
its better left unspoken..

 

Me and my FeeLing ...

Sighhh... it is meant to be a long one...
Yeah..yeah... my last post was in Feb and it has been about 4 months that I left this blog of mine unattended...

Ready for the lame excuses? Its not that lame or rather not at all.
I have my own reasons... valid, concrete and ...and... bla bla bla..

Well sometimes when the feel is there you will pen down the words even though time doesn't permit you... but when the urge together with the feel is not around you tend to delete all sentences that you wtite...

that's me... and my feel in writing...
Trying to find n create da mood...

Let's see will I survive these few hours with at least an entry... haahah